I can't believe I'm saying it, but my time in Hunchun China is coming to a close. I only have 6 days left...leaving China on May 22nd heading to South Korea and back to the States May 25th. Several months ago there were many nights that I cried myself to sleep over the thought of saying goodbye to the people I love so much here. I continually prayed that God would comfort and quiet my heart and would help me enjoy the time I had left rather than me weighed down by heavy emotions. He did just that and the last couple of months have been especially wonderful. The goodbye meals started last week and I was pleasantly surprised at how I was holding it together. No major worry or anxiety about the future. No major depression. But last night reality came swooping in when I had my last dinner with my Chinese teacher, Judy. We spent several hours together chatting and laughing but then it was time to leave and the tears started falling. She was crying and talking and holding on to me and there was no hope that my quivering chin was going to hold out. The flood gates opened as I looked at her and realized that I might not see her again. That's the hard thing about this. My heart breaks every time I leave the States and say goodbye to my friends and my family, but in this situation I don't know if I will see them again. Although I don't hold onto it, that realization is a bit overwhelming at times. As I stood at the door of Judy's apartment, she adjusted my coat (as she has done every cold day since the fall of '09) making sure it is zipped all the way so I don't catch a cold. This motherly act of love last night was bittersweet. Her husband walked me out to my bike and as I turned to leave, the last thing I heard Judy say with a tear-shaken voice was "Keira, zai jian!"...I will see you again. I peddled my bike home in the cold, dark night and let the tears fall to only the sound of my bike clicking. Although I know I'm headed in the right direction in life right now, starting a new chapter isn't easy. As a Chinese friend recently said "In order to say hello to something you have to say goodbye to something else." Simple and true. I have many more goodbyes ahead of me this week but I know God will give me strength and joy as he has in the past. He always gets me through. And despite the heartache, I wouldn't trade it - EVER - for what I have experienced and the friendships I have formed. These people, this city, this country are all a part of me. Forever.
4 comments:
Very strange that I'm commenting on your May 16th post when it's still May 15th...hmmm. Always love reading your thoughts and seeing what's going on with you. Reading your very last comment about not trading for anything the time you've had there and the people you've come to love and never, ever forgetting makes me think of Zambia. I wrote the very same thing in my journal the day we flew home, and we were only there a month! And I still think of them all often and pray. I will be praying for you, friend, as you leave your home there and begin a new chapter. Love you...
Hi Sis! You are right where God wants you. Perhaps you are not doubting that, but I know that when we are full of emotion we are more vulnerable to spiritual attack. Meaning, the enemy will use any means possible (especially toying with your thoughts and emotions) to make you question what you’re doing, that you’re in God’s will, that you’ve made a difference, etc. I know your heart is heavy for the friendships you are leaving behind. But, you have accomplished what God has intended and he is still in control even after you’re gone. And don’t think he’s done with you yet, either. Look at the growth that has occurred in you! Look at how much closer you are to God. Just beware that while your emotions are real and valid, the enemy will use a “kick you when you’re down” approach. Not every thought is your own, you know? I’ve learned this in my own life over the last many months. While I can’t say I’m going through the same thing, I am in a way. Nothing is in stone at all, but we’ve felt since January that perhaps God is “stirring the pot.” I feel as though a move is coming. Springfield is the only place we’ve known as a married couple. It is “home” to our kids. And I am secure here. But, the most growth happens outside of your comfort zone. God has helped me grow over the last year or so…and Sata* is fighting me at every turn. I had a couple issues at the pit this last week that required repairing (as in tearing out and replacing) a portion of the roof, and belly-crawling through the attic to get four kittens) that God REALLY helped me with. I woke up the other morning with “I am a friend of God” in my mind…I knew that was from the Hol* Spiri*. Then the next night, I had a dream that while walking through the living room toward my bedroom, I looked up at the front door and saw two demons looking in through the glass. I did a double take, and as I looked again, two that I couldn’t see pinned me by my arms to the wall of the hallway. I was instantly praying against them, yelling at them…but was never afraid. I wonder if this, too, was from the Hol* Spiri*.
The point is, as long as you keep your focus on God, and ask him for direction and wisdom at every turn, you can’t lose. You’ll have heartache at times, perhaps pain, but also moments of joy and victory.
Love ya…hope to see you sooner than later.
Daddy doesn't want you to forget. it's a part of who you are now. a part of your life story. even though you'll be writing new chapters soon, these will still be an important part of the book of you. my favorite books are the ones that touch genuine emotion in me...the ones that make me laugh, and make me cry. these will most likely be some of your favorite chapters...some of your best-loved characters...and that's okay. Your difficulty in leaving only shows that you invested the best of yourself there...and I wouldn't have figured any differently. You gave all of yourself...and for that, I am just so very proud of you. BIG HUGS and much love await you on the other side of the world. Come home, and we'll prove it! :)
Just wanted to say, I feel you, Keira. There's a Korean word for what you've built with the people there. It's called "jung" which according to a Korean proverb is stronger than "love." Oh, I know you will carry inside of you all that you've seen and experienced in the last years. And as you catalogue your time there into the memory banks of your mind's heart, I pray that you will see the Glory of God in it all--that He was there in each scene, each frame of your life's story. Come home. Get ready for all your adventures to come. I love you, dear sister.
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