a look within

I know many of you heard me say it while I was in the States, but coming home is/was wonderful and difficult all at the same time. It seems as though every time I go through transition I end up analyzing my entire life. That may or may not be a natural response. Regardless, transition has occurred so often in my life the past 3 years and it can be tiring. BUT, I have the most incredible people in my life. I have said that so many times before and I’ll continue to say it until the day I die. :) The connections I share and the love that I have is profound and immeasurable. I cannot tell you how many times it has been a strength to me. (It was today as I read through some of the notes of encouragement people have written to me over the past two years.)

I think we all go through the up and down motion between confidence and self-doubt, clarity and confusion, optimism and pessimism regarding all aspects of our lives. For some, the extreme from point to point is greater than for others. I don’t exactly know where I fit on that scale comparatively but I do know this – I tend to feel things pretty deeply so my highs are high and my lows are low.

During my time back “home” this winter I experienced the highs and the lows. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with everyone and each interaction was unique in its own way. However, there was an internal struggle going on. There were times I was fully aware of this struggle and times I was completely oblivious. Now, spending time in reflection, I realize I lost sight of the strength and confidence that has so often fueled my journey. This affected the areas of friendship, love, faith, and my decision to return overseas to an “abnormal” life. Thankfully, now that my feet are planted in one spot again, clarity is reclaiming its place:

In the realm of friendship – despite my physical absence, the true and meaningful relationships I have will continue to exist. Although changes will occur in each person’s life, including mine, and the gap may widen from time to time, the foundation that is there will remain firm. My history has proven that time does not destroy friendship nor family.

In the realm of love – although it is a longing unfulfilled it is one that does not cripple me. Strength has been restored.

In the realm of faith – although I am embarking on a personal “faith journey” that is extremely deep and at times dark and lonely, I have confidence that it is vital and true. It is a journey that will not end overnight and it will take a great deal of focus and energy to complete, but I am determined.

In the realm of my decision to return overseas – I believe in most situations there is often something lost for something gained. That loss can be positive, negative or neutral. Coming home I somehow forgot, for a time, what was gained by living this different life and unfortunately looked too closely at what was lost. I had begun to question where I was at and why. It was part of the affect of the transition. But about one month into being home I started down a path that was beneficial for my sanity and for regaining the strength and confidence I had lost: I read my old journal entries. There on those pages I had poured out my soul, my dreams, and my ambitions. I saw that my course changed from time to time but the underlying goal and drive remained constant; I also talked to a couple of dear friends and family members to get their take on me – what I was made up of, what I had talked about in the past regarding my dreams and desires, some instances that fueled those dreams, etc. Those two things (the reading and the discussions) served as strong reminders of how I came to be where I am today. This alternative lifestyle is not a fluke nor is it an attempt to run away from anything. I didn’t grow up wanting to be a physical therapist but grew up wanting to help those who are affected by a terminal illness or a disability (generally speaking – those who are hurting and/or forgotten). PT became the vehicle to accomplish this. I suppose I say that because, to me, if I don’t practice as a physical therapist for the rest of my life I won’t be devastated or feel like I wasted my education or career. Although I love PT, as long as I follow what is deep within me I believe I’ll be in the right place. And, as my conversations with friends and family revealed, I’ve always craved something a little less ordinary.

I realize that, on some levels, I am being rather personal here. I recently told a friend that I think sometimes my transparency is a down-fall of mine. But, it so often feels extremely natural for me. I don’t know what it is or what compels me to be like that. I suppose right now it is allowing me to embrace the personal growth that is occurring and to take that step of acceptance into my current reality. You each are supporting me in this endeavor of mine in your own way and bringing you along with me, on a more personal level, is just something I want to do. It’s a way for me to feel connected to you. One thing I know about myself, without a doubt, I want to feel connected to people on a level that is genuine and meaningful.

Back to Hunchun

Although, naturally, there is a little sadness regarding what I have left behind, it's good to be back in China. I've been back a week now and have settled in to the familiar things of this place - the markets filled with all sorts of raw meats and fish (dead and alive); the constant honking of the taxis; the confusion of the locals as to whether I'm Russian or American; the endless opportunities to consume rice; the walking to get most places or my little #8 bus; the ever-surprising rate at which Chinese flows from the mouths of the locals. However, there are some new things that are present that weren't around late October - the thick layer of ice on the sidewalks and side roads when I first arrived (entertaining watching the women walking on the ice in their high heels...yes, they love heels that much here); frozen fish being sold on carts outside everywhere because it's that cold...they don't defrost in the sun (we're talking the whole fish. not in cute little filet form); the lack of hot water for a shower. i think it's closer to lukewarm (hot showers are overrated, right?); oh yes...the biggie...the frigid temperatures mixed with the ever-popular Hunchun wind. Today was -3 with a windchill of -24 (yes, i'm talking fahrenheit). Whoa buddy!!! I walked to Special School which took about 30 minutes and I couldn't feel my face when I got there. Actually, I'm pretty sure I couldn't talk normal and a little drool may have escaped my mouth without me realizing it, ha! Good thing I'm not trying to score any dates here :)

Okay, okay...on a more serious note. The month of February will likely be a bit slow for me. The children aren't at school because of the cold and we don't have teams visiting this time of year. I'll dive back into the language studies, do some office work at the school, shovel horse poop and snow at the ranch, read some books, and celebrate the Chinese New Year (Feb 14th with a huge fireworks show on the 28th - yippee!!! I absolutely love fireworks!!)

That's all for now folks! Take care and stay in touch
~k