Updates Galore

XMAS:
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!! We put on a Christmas program here on the 24th hoping to have around 60 locals join us. Over 170 of the Chinese came! How exciting!! I was asked to be a clown for the program which turned out to be a big hit with the locals. So many people wanted pictures, ha ha! Clowns freak me out a little, but everyone got a kick out of it so it was worth it :) After the program, I headed over to Lori and Ryan's apartment for some good ol' Christmas Eve fun. We played cards, drank coffee and apple cider, ate goodies, and then watched Charlie Brown's Christmas. We went to bed about 12:30 and attempted to sleep but the wind was SO strong it kept Lori and I awake for most of the night. We were up just before 4a so that Ryan and Lori could open presents with family via Skype. Then began the cooking for the big Christmas meal. We made stuffing, mashed potatoes and dinner rolls for 40 people (plus Lori made cinnamon rolls for breakfast!). Our team got together for the big meal at 12:00 and then had a gift exchange. Coming home that night to an empty apartment made me miss people back home, but also made me realize how thankful I am for the family I have here in Hunchun.

Big Winds:
I've told you all about the temperatures here...freezing cold! It is also a very windy place (I'm pretty sure we have to be one of the windiest places on earth). Well, on Christmas day we got a call from our farm workers that part of the roof on the barn had blown off. We couldn't do anything that day because the wind was so strong so we went out the next day. Oh my goodness. It looks like a tornado went through. 1/2 of the barn roof has been ripped off with the support beams going with it and some of the bricks from the wall (the photo shows only part of the barn without the roof). How this happened and the tarps on our rice hay are still secured down is beyond all of us. There is quite a bit of damage, not only to the property, but to equipment as well. We're also fearful that two of the dividing brick walls may fall over with the next big wind. We are all trying to stay positive and take this as an opportunity to learn something. Easier said than done sometimes. Thankfully, none of the workers or the livestock were hurt. Please pray for us as we continue with the clean up and as Ryan and Lori decide how to proceed.

Special School: The students at Special School had a program on the 17th that was fabulous! Each age group took turns performing - some sang songs, some danced, some recited special Chinese sayings. It was so exciting for me to be there. I felt like a proud parent in the front with a heart full of joy :) During the event, one of the mothers had a seizure and I ran over to help. It was a little nerve-racking at first with all of the comotion, with me not knowing her typical seizure tendencies, with her complexion showing a significant lack of oxygen BUT all turned out okay. We later found out that she has not been able to take anti-seizure medication because of lack of finances and the frequency has been worsening. Janet (one of our team members) will be taking this young woman to Yanji this week to get medication. So thankful there are some resources here!
The students were thrilled to finally go home for vacation! About 1/2 of the students live in the dorms and many haven't been home since this summer. I was sad to see them go but excited for them to be with family. The school year officially ended on Dec 24th and classes won't begin until March 1st.

SongJu: The latest you all heard about him was that his mother came back last winter and took him out of the orphanage. At that time, I told you my emotions were mixed. I believe they remain the same. SongJu was at school this spring and summer but didn't return in the fall after the summer break. Long story short - Janet, Bri (a college student here for 6 months) and I met with SongJu and his mother for lunch one day. We learned that his mother re-married and that she wanted to go back to South Korea (where she was when she left SongJu last fall). We talked to her about SongJu's needs - both physical and emotional - but his mother had strong arguments for why she wanted to leave. Bri was a huge help in that she went every Tuesday and Thursday to pick up SongJu in the village and bring him to Special School so that he could 1. go to therapy with me 2. go to art class with Janet (he loves art) 3. be around other kids and get out of the house. It was heartbreaking to see that SongJu's little body had weakened further. This was expected since his disease is progressive but the rate at which it occurred was increased due to no therapeutic care given at home. I've tried to stress the importance of certain care, but to no avail. SongJu's mom has left for South Korea with SongJu living with his step father in a nearby village. With the winter being so cold here and no classes in session, I worry about him being isolated. He seems to be doing okay right now, but please pray for his little heart and for his family.

YongAe:
I last updated you on YongAe when she started walking. We worked together to then get her walking without the walker to a cane and then without a device. We also got her up and down the stairs. Once I let her loose she ran wild! :) By the time she left Hunchun for South Korea and then on to the States she was going out to eat, having meetings, and getting her hair done. It was wonderful!! She did continue to have some pain which was to be expected. Once YongAe arrived in South Korea she went to the doctor who told her that she had significant internal bruising (which we guessed). He also said something that gave me the shivers...if the spinal fracture would have been a mere centimeter more, she likely would have been paralyzed. I am SOOOO thankful to God that he protected YongAe during the accident, that she wasn't yanked from the car at the scene, and that he guided my hands as I helped her. Thank you all for you prayers throughout this situation. They were answered!! YongAe and David are currently back in the States enjoying time with their first grandbaby! God is so, so good!

Follow-up Thoughts on Twoo Wuv

Reading everyone's responses has been such a blessing and an encouragement. Just yesterday I came across this in one of my journal entries from last December - “Although I've recently been in a pessimistic slump regarding love, I really want to believe that true, deep, committed love is REAL and possible and worth the risk.” Going through this process with the blog has revealed that what I long for is not over-idealistic. It's real. It's possible. It's worth the risk. It's definitely worth the wait. I'm not being too picky. I'm not setting my expectations too high. I'm not skipping around with an over-the-top fairytale view of marriage. Of course it's bound to be a touch idealistic because I've yet to be married therefore I have not personally experienced its challenges. But everything has its challenges. You all admitted to me that marriage is not a cake-walk but you also voiced that all of the difficulties were very much worth the joy, comfort and love that you have experienced in your marriage. That's hope, my friends!!

As I said in the first blog, the longing to be in a committed relationship is there. It's strong and dwells deep within me but it isn't screaming in my ear or debilitating me. I admit it can be a roller coaster. When I wrote the blog I was struggling with pessimism, doubt, and skepticism regarding romantic relationships. I can't tell you that all of those emotions have been completely wiped away, but they have certainly lessened. And I can't deny that there have been times in my life when I've hidden behind my independence as a self-protection against the longings and loneliness.

Regardless of how intense that loneliness might become, I cannot step away from the knowledge and comfort that God truly is in control and is more than aware of my heart's desires. He knows what is best for me better than I ever can or will. I cannot allow loneliness or fear or self-doubt or outside pressure to rush me into one of the most important decisions of my life. This is the rest of my life we're talking about. Loneliness that can come with being with the wrong person is far greater than the loneliness that comes with singleness...let alone all the other trouble that would come with rushing things.

So...to sum it all up...

Do I want to join my heart with another? Sure do. Am I lonely sometimes? Sure am. Will I see my singleness as a limitation or a disability? Sure won't. I refuse to put things on hold because I'm single. I refuse to hold back on living life to the fullest because I'm not married. I must refuse to allow my self to lack confidence, or self-worth or joy or vision or passion for life because I'm not married. If there's any single people out there living like that – stop it!! Realize that your singlehood is merely a chapter in your life. Once you finish that chapter and turn the page, it's over. No going back. So embrace it! The next chapter will come soon enough, and just as you long for things from that chapter now, you'll miss some of the things from the singlehood chapter later. We need to get a grip on the “grass is always greener” syndrome (I'm talking to myself too).

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23 The joining of two lives is a beautiful yet serious thing. It's sacred and we can't rush it. Until I meet someone who truly brings out the best in me and I in him, and unless we as a couple maximize God's potential for one another, it is best to remain single.

I must say, this has been the most rewarding “blog experience.” I thoroughly enjoyed digesting all of your thoughts and loved seeing into your worlds. Have I mentioned I live for deep connections? ;) It was so rewarding to offer my vulnerability and to receive yours in return. This was like conversation over coffee sitting by a warm fire or while out camping in the wilderness!! So fabulous! Thank you all so, so much!

Tons of love coming your way!

Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togeder today.

This blog is much different than most, if not all, of my previous posts. It's on the topic of love and marriage. I assume it has been on my mind lately due to the following: the far-too-frequent question asked of me here in China - “are you married?” followed by a “why not?!!” wrapped in grave concern; the seemingly consistent news of another divorce/separation due to unfaithfulness and/or the “wow factor” fading; good old soul-searching (assessing my journey the past several years/where I am now/where I want to go) and examining past relationships and their effect on me. So, I am seeking insight from all you marrieds out there (and the singles – feel free to chime in). It's an important topic to me and I sincerely would enjoy and welcome your feedback. Please forgive me if I seem a bit scattered. There is so much on my mind and heart but I'll spare you the lengthy details.

Here we go...

Many married couples often feel sorry for us single folk and it leaves me wondering – what is so much better about married life? I'm serious. I want to know. Sometimes I go into the state where I wonder if it's even worth it...a serious relationship and/or marriage, that is. I think about the dating process and that alone is enough to exhaust me. So much energy goes into it. And I've tried the “dating just for fun” approach and honestly, I'm not so great at it. I, in general, get attached to people easily and in addition to me running off to various parts of the world, it doesn't work so well. Besides, what's the point? No, I don't go out and become neurotic and refuse to talk to a guy if I don't think he's “the one” material. That's a bit much and people like that freak me out. But I can't become romantically involved with a man and keep the emotional aspect at surface level. Shoot, I can only handle friendships that remain at surface level for so long. I need meaning and depth in my relationships. Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked so back to the original thoughts.

Let's say you date someone and end up falling head over heels in love. Whether you date for a long time or you end up getting married, you end up losing that “wow factor” that once existed in the beginnings of the relationship – that is a given. But the relationship deepens in beautiful ways and you eventually know that person unlike any other. Hopefully, you become a team and despite the waxing and waning of romance, you wouldn't trade your partnership with him/her for anyone else. Hopefully. But take the instances when that “wow factor” was actually the problem from the start. What if it was what blinded you to the truth – the fact that the two of you weren't meant to be together. That actually your differences – the ones that count - are too great and love just isn't enough. The unfortunate thing is you find this out once you've given so much of yourself. Of your heart. It leaves you open and wounded. Maybe there was an indication from the beginning that it wasn't meant to be but the hope for love and partnership got in the way.

The “wow factor” is an exciting part of a new relationship but is certain to fade or change after an undetermined length of time. It can also get in the way of seeing the truth. That leads me to the next thought: What about those incredible friendships between a guy and gal...they are free to be themselves around the other person; free to express dreams, fears and failures; they really connect; they laugh together and can count on the other person to be there if needed. What if all the important things are there except the “wow factor”? Does this mean there is no chemistry? And chemistry is important but how important is it?

I'd love to think that both are possible – the physical “wow factor” and the incredible friendship – but that seems a little out of reach. I'm completely aware that there is no perfect relationship but I also think that people can get a little lax or a little petty when looking for that perfect mate. So where is the balance people?!

As far as some feeling sorry for me because I'm not married – I don't understand. I have experienced so many different things in the past 6 years and I've been single through the majority of it...and I'm okay! More than okay – I'm happy! I've lived in different countries, chased after dreams, undergone personal growth and many of my friendships (new and old) have deepened because I didn't have a spouse to lean on in the tough times. Several of my friends are considered family now and I'm so thankful for that. I don't know if that would have happened had I been married.

I'm not saying that single life is better than a serious relationship or marriage. I guess what I'm trying to say is that good and bad things have happened and I know I can make it being single. I have discovered that I don't need a relationship to feel strong or happy or loved or adventurous or fulfilled.

But, despite this independence, my heart's desire is not to be single from now until forever. I want to share life's journey with someone. I want to believe that certain things in a partnership are possible (I'm not ready to divulge those yet). The truth is that I'm moderately hesitant, skeptical, fearful and a touch pessimistic. In today's world it is far too easy to see unhealthy relationships and to hear of broken marriages. I suppose that combined with some relational things from the past leaves me feeling a little disheartened.

So this is where you come in. I want you to tell me – what is great about marriage? What makes the risk worth it? What are the important things in a relationship? What's the good stuff that comes after the romance stage? And don't worry, I know it's not all roses. Believe me. But I'm asking for the positive things because I'm needing my faith restored in romantic relationships as a whole. I would love, love, love it if you would email me and share your thoughts. It can be one sentence, one paragraph, one book :)

Can I get a Woo-Hoo!!

It's been one month since the accident and YongAe is doing SO much better! We must have turned a corner on Sunday because she started making progress like crazy. Today was huge...she WALKED!!!! Using a walker she went ~30 feet four different times! In addition to that, she was able to sit up, stand up, and lie down without me assisting her! I still need to stand by her due to weakness and occasional dizziness, but oh what progress! And she was able to sit up just over four hours today! YongAe is ecstatic. To top it all off - she got to shower today for the first time in a month! She feels like a new woman :) I am so thankful for the progress she is making and just so thrilled for her. Again, thank you so much for your prayers and support!!

p.s The picture is YongAe today after walking and showering :)

Busted Her Out!

Today we moved YongAe from the hospital to her home here in Hunchun. No longer does she have to deal with an IV she doesn't need every day or lie in a hospital that is dirty and has cockroaches. She gets to be home. Now the thing about getting her home - she can't walk, she continues to have significant pain and vertigo, oh yea...and she lives on the SIXTH floor! We were desperate enough to get her out of there (and her 10x more desperate to leave) so we devised a plan. We strapped her onto a stretcher and carried her 6 flights of stairs. It was brutal for YongAe as the stretcher was awful and the ambulance ride anything but smooth but she was determined to make it. It took a while for the pain to settle once we got her to the apartment, but she made it!! And now she is in the comfort of her own home :) I could barely sleep last night as I was going over all of the details of the move and had butterflies this morning. But, the crew that helped me did an amazing job and the teamwork was flawless. What a relief - it's over!!

Here's a recap of the move. We had to get her out of the room (the beds don't fit through the doors), onto a stretcher, strap her into the stretcher (they don't strap patients in), get her into the ambulance, carry her up the stairs...some corners were a little tight. Take note of the huge gap in the middle of the stretcher...not comfy at all. YongAe is a rockstar!!

Yong Ae - 3 weeks

First, I want to thank all of you for the outpouring of support. I've gathered all of your encouraging words and put them together on a piece of paper that I can frequently read. I feel as though those words put strength behind my knees and softness in my hands. Thank you so much for being there when I needed you.

Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since the horrible accident. I saw photos of the car and it sent shivers down my spine. How did they all survive??!! The front half of the car (where the driver and front seat passenger were) is completely smashed. The steering wheel was crushed down to the ground. I don't understand how the two men weren't trapped in with their legs crushed. How did they get out? Neither can remember. I remember looking up into the car as I was lying there with YongAe and seeing no room except where she was lying. It's unbelievable! The way everything happened...I just don't see any explanation other than God.

YongAe is making progress! She still requires assistance to obtain a sitting position on the edge of the bed but she is able to do more and more of the work to get there. Last Sunday, I helped her transfer to a chair for the first time. That day she tolerated 3 minutes in the chair before needing to return to bed due to dizziness and pain. Yesterday, she was able to tolerate 30 minutes in the chair and took little shuffle steps to transfer! It's very exciting! YongAe is, of course, wishing that the recovery was moving faster but she's done well with being patient and listening to her body.

Please continue to pray for her. As you can see, she still has a long road ahead of her. YongAe still struggles with pain in her low back and significant muscle tension in her upper back as well as vertigo when she sits up. I can complete a procedure to address the vertigo but YongAe's pain needs to be lower first. Her spirits have remained high for the most part but she struggles with discouragement from time to time. In addition to all of this, YongAe's daughter (her only child) will be delivering her first child in late November. The original plan was for David and YongAe to fly to the States on November 15th. It is so important to YongAe to be there for her daughter. Please cover her and this entire situation in prayer.

I'd also appreciate your continued prayers. I want my hands to be filled with love and comfort that pours over YongAe every time I come into contact with her. I want my words to be uplifting, encouraging and motivating and my medical judgment to remain clear.

Thanks everyone!!

One Week Post-Accident

It's been one week since the car accident. It's amazing to see how quickly the recovery is going for everyone involved regarding the circumstances. Tina remains at home with her mother and just said today she is able to do more and more on her own and that the pain is slowly getting better. I plan to visit her tomorrow.

David (Yong Ae's husband) and the 3 of us who were at the scene (Lori, myself, and Zaibin) were able get the taxi driver's phone number and visit him at his home. It was such a good visit. He couldn't stop apologizing and saying how badly he felt but we were able to look him in the eye and tell him that we don't hold him responsible. We wanted him to know that we consider him a friend and that we care about him and how he is doing - physically and emotionally. We all talked for awhile and just before we left, David handed him an envelope with some money to assist him since he currently cannot work. He tried so hard to refuse it but eventually David won. He sat there on his knees and cried (so, so, so unusual for a Chinese man). He couldn't believe that we were helping him and caring about him so much when he was "supposed to be the one providing the help." Friendships were definitely formed that night. Ah, it was such a good visit.

Yong Ae has been doing well thus far. The doctors had instructed her to lie flat for 1 month but that is absolutely crazy...for many reasons (bed sores, pneumonia, blood clots). Again, the medical care here is greatly lacking. Nurses rarely come around, 3different doctors have given 3 different diagnoses, no one even checks vital signs let alone anything else important (sensation, reflexes, respiration rate, etc). It's amazing. Anyway...initially, I and various members of our crew here were helping her roll into sidelying and by Thursday she was able to do it on her own. For those of you who are medical - don't worry. I have been full of instruction regarding proper precautions.

Tonight we began the next phase of therapy - sitting up on the edge of the bed. Yong Ae has been wanting to sit up since the day of the accident. :) I knew that pain and dizziness would be present and made sure to go over everything with Yong Ae before the transition. David and I assisted her into sitting but she struggled with significant dizziness and a severe pain in her low back (not part of any of the 3 dianoses) that caused her to need to lie back down almost immediately. Her words were "wow. I'm shocked. I had no idea it would be this hard." Yong Ae is a tough woman. Remember, she endured 8 hours of pain after the accident without pain meds. So please continue to pray for her recovery: quick healing; no further complications; an emotional toughness; no discouragement. She has a long road ahead of her.

Please also pray for me. In regards to the medical aspect, I'm basically flying solo here and I have moments when I doubt my ability. Without a medical team behind me it is easy to second-guess myself. There is not one medical person here whom I trust and can turn to. It's so strange. I've never been in this boat. It would be one thing if it were a minor injury but totally different with it being such a serious circumstance. I'm part confident in my ability and part scared. I think that fear comes from many places - the lack of medical support, not having reliable information to go off of, having emotions from being at the scene, having emotions because she is my friend, feeling like I have sole responsibility of what happens because it is me and me alone who is progressing her. It's a heavy weight. But I know it's NOTHING compared to being one of the ones who was actually in the accident. I'm just saying that I really need prayer right now and through this whole thing.

Once again, I need you guys! Your support has given me strength this past week and I can't thank you enough. Truly. I love you!

God in the Midst of a Nightmare

What started out as a typical day ending up taking a serious turn. Zaibin came and picked me up at 6:45 this morning and we headed over to get Lori to head out to the ranch to prepare for hippotherapy. We generally leave town right away but today was different as we needed to pick up corn feed for the cows. This delayed us about 20 minutes. It was a cold, rainy morning. We were out of the city limits and about 1/2 way to the ranch when Lori noticed something far up ahead in the ditch. She said "uh oh, this can't be good. It looks like a tractor." Zaibin slowed as we got closer and I rolled down my window to see what had happened. I'll never forget looking out the window and making eye contact with my dear friend, Tina. She was standing down in the ditch near the car and had the shear look of fear on her face. It hit me that the red, crushed object was a taxi and that Tina had been a passenger. Zaibin pulled over and Lori and I ran to the scene. Tina then told me that Yong Ae was still inside the car. I immediately ran down to help her and saw that the car was upside down and broken glass was everywhere (the car had hydroplaned, hit a tree knocking it over and flipped). A calmness and pure focus came over me. Yong Ae was conscious but in a great deal of pain. Some men were trying to pull her out but I urgently told them to stop - don't move her!! I got down with her, held her hand and was able to speak calmly to her. Zaibin called the ambulance (which they initially said they needed payment first before they drove out. Zaibin told them to shut up and get out there right away - it was a serious accident!) and Lori immediately checked the car for leaking fuel and various dangers...which, thank goodness, there were none. I won't go into all of the details of the accident. There's no need to fill your head with unpleasantries.

There were 4 people in the car - the driver (a Chinese man in his 40s), Tina (she is a 22 year old Chinese gal who has worked with CRAM for several years and is so loved by all of us), Yong Ae (she is 52 years old, part of our team here and has lived in Hunchun for 4 years. She has recently battled cancer but has such strong faith and courage), and her friend Abe (in his 30s from South Korea. He was only visiting). Miraculously, no one was thrown from the car. Everyone experienced severe shock and I'm sure the flashbacks will be there for a while. As far as we know, Abe only had a small cut on his head and some pain in his back. Despite our encouragement to stay, he went to Yanji to catch his flight back to South Korea and will see a doctor there. The driver's forearm had pretty bad cuts and swelling and his neck hurt but the doctor said nothing was broken. He's in a good deal of pain though. Tina has bruising and swelling on the left side of her face, her left arm and knee are painful and swollen, and her neck is extremely stiff and painful. X-rays show no broken bones. I predict she may have a concussion but no CT scan was taken. Because she was walking around (although holding her neck) the doctor said she was fine and that she couldn't stay at the hospital. We are bringing her back tomorrow with a local person of great "influence" helping us. Yong Ae was hurt the worst. She is so tiny so her body was easily banged up. A bone in her spine (T7) is fractured as well as her sternum (the long, flat bone in the middle of your chest). She is in a great deal of pain but it is an absoulte miracle that there are no additional injuries.

The hospital was a difficult experience and so far separated from what medical care is in the States. On the stretcher in the ambulance there are no straps to hold the person on. I actually had to brace Yong Ae as we flew down the road. There are no neck braces. There was no care in the ambulance at all. No ER to rush to...we waited out in the hall for hours. For the first X-Ray the doctor wanted Yong Ae to walk to the table...she could barely move. We, her friends, had to transfer her from gerny to X-Ray table then back to gerny then to the CT scan table, then to gerny, then to the MRI table, etc. None of the hospital staff knew how to safely transfer her while keeping her stable. I thank God I could be there to help and to instruct people in the safe way to move her. Yung Ae had to endure all of this - all of the testing and the moving and the waiting - for 8 hours before she was given pain meds. Can you imagine?!

We took Tina to her home in the village to be with her mother. She was able to sleep this afternoon for a couple of hours but is still in a great deal of pain. I visited her tonight and she shows no acute signs of a major concussion. Yung Ae is in the hospital and is more coherent now. She knows who everyone is, where she is, etc. She is experiencing tremendous pain and was only able to sleep 30 minutes this afternoon. Despite all of this trauma, she still thanks God that it was her who was hurt so badly and not any of the others. She is an incredible woman! The driver has been home resting. He got to the hospital this morning after we did and rushed up to Yong Ae with a look of sorrow and remorse. His eyes filled with tears (Chinese men do not show emotion like this) and he put his hand over his heart shaking his head. The look in his eyes broke my heart as I could see the weight of this whole incident resting on his shoulders. Please, please pray for him. The shame that the Chinese carry for something like this can be extremely severe. He has been on my heart all day. Our crew will be making a point to befriend him and to show him that we care and we don't hold him responsible. Please pray for his heart and mind. Please.

I tell you my friends, I am know that God protected each of them in this horrible accident and that he brought us on the road at the perfect time. I am sure of it! If you could have seen the car you would know it is a miracle that everyone lived. And we came upon the scene a mere 2 minutes after it happened! Had we not stopped to get corn, we wouldn't have been there to help. That may not seem like that big of a deal, but people in China don't stop to help when there is an accident or any type of injury for fear of somehow being held responsible. With us there, we were able to get the ambulance called, stop people from moving Yong Ae (and now knowing she had a spinal fracture - even better), and comfort our friends who were hurting and afraid. The song that I sang to Yong Ae as she lay in the taxi waiting for the ambulance continues to come into my head throughout the day (David, Yong Ae's husband, said he was singing it as he was driving to Hunchun from Yanji to come to the hospital)..."Jesus, we love you. We worship and adore you. Glorify thy name in all the earth. Glorify thy name. Glorify thy name. Glorify thy name in all the earth." Ohh, yes...he was there.

Dad

It's been two years since dad died. That day is still so vivid. I spent the last couple of nights out at our ranch here in China in order to have some quiet and stillness. I sat under a big tree with a nice breeze blowing and wrote the following sweet memories of dad (both when I was a little girl and a young adult) -

* him tickling me until I couldn't breathe * him thumping the nose of my teddy bear, Herman, every night when tucking me into bed * closing the "wall bed" with me in it and him walking away like he might forget * him letting me ride in the trunk of the car if we were going a short distance * teaching me how to drive out at the Holyoke airport. I had to sit on a pillow so that I could see! :) I think even with the pillow, I had to look under the top of the steering wheel, ha! He let me practice at the cemetery when I got good with turning * going out with him on the motorcycle. I remember we were coming back home and turning into the driveway in the alley and somehow we fell over – on the motorcycle. We weren’t going fast so we didn’t get hurt. At first it scared me, but then I couldn’t stop laughing * playing softball (catch) in the backyard * pulling over during our trips to the mountains so that we could go stomping in the river * going to visit dad when he was working at the hospital – if he were down in the basement where the cardiac rehab room was, we’d always go back upstairs passing by the morgue room. It never failed that just as we got to that room, dad would scare me and I’d run up the stairs as fast as I could, my heart pounding and him chasing after me laughing * flying in his airplane with me in the very back (the little jump seat, I think) giggling constantly because of the turbulence * him saying “oh honey” every time he saw a nice motorcycle * various people frequently bringing fresh fish and/or vegetables to our house in the summer. I never knew why but later discovered that it often was a form of payment dad was accepting for doctor visits that that person couldn't afford. Of course, dad didn't make that known to us...it wasn't his style to build himself up * him hugging me for an extended period of time while standing in the kitchen in the Swink house. For a long time he didn’t say anything. I felt his body shake slightly in his attempt to hold back tears. Then he said “your mother and I are so proud of you. You’ve become a fine young woman.” I went to Thailand less than a week later - that trip to Swink was the last time I saw him. * Us sitting in Chili’s at Lincoln and I-25 (mom was with us) and I had an overwhelming feeling to tell him how much he meant to me. I had written little things in cards here and there but never looked him in the eyes and said much beyond “I love you” and “thank you.” That afternoon I looked him in the eye and watched this strong dad of mine cry as I told him: how much I loved him, how grateful I was that he took on us 3 kids when he married mom. He could have easily said he didn’t want to raise another 3 children at that point in his life – he already had two grown children of his own. But, that didn’t bother dad a bit. In his mind, it didn’t matter that marrying mom was a package deal. Not only did he take us into his home, but he treated and loved us as his own. Calling him my step-dad didn’t work for me. I didn’t want that separation. He was dad – I just happened to have two :) I told him that he had been an incredible role model for me as to how a man should treat a woman: the way he loved mom, the way he cared for her, the way they resolved conflict, the way he supported her dreams and efforts. I finally told him that so much of the good parts of me were because of his role in my life and the things that he and mom had taught me. I knew he supported my dreams and aspirations and he would do anything to help if he could or if he was needed. I’ll never forget us crying together that day – in the middle of Chili’s. * Talking with dad while he was in the hospital after his back surgery: for the first time, I talked to him about a possible male relationship and wanted to know his opinion on this guy. Never had I done that. It was actually a sign to me that I had entered a healthy stage in the world of romantic relationships. I had realized, there in the hospital, that my desire of dad’s input regarding the man I wanted to date or was dating was a sign that I wasn’t trying to hide anything – which meant that it was more unlikely that I was “settling” for a guy that wasn’t right for me. I decided that this was going to become my litmus test – if I didn’t want dad to know about a guy I was interested in or if I didn’t want dad to meet him, I was in a wrong relationship. Seems obvious, but at the time this was a new page I had turned :) Since I was struggling to trust myself with relationships, it was a huge relief knowing I had dad to weigh in on it and tell me like it was. It made me feel safe. * I spent mom and dad’s anniversary with them in Salida, CO – their favorite place – in June ’08. The first day there, dad and I went out just the two of us. We ate lunch out on a patio by the river and talked about life. Then we went to a small winery and took a little tour, tasted some wine and picked our favorites to buy. I realized on this day that dad and I had shifted our relationship from strictly father-daughter (more disciplinary) to a friendship. I remember my heart smiling and thinking “mmm. I like this.” I made dinner that night for the 3 of us and he loved it…salmon on a bed of raw spinach and blacked beans topped with a Caribbean jerk seasoning and pineapple salsa. The next day, the three of us and Sparky (the dog) went into town and watched the parade and then the rafting and kayak competitions. We were all so happy and content in our quiet, little, comfortable-feeling mountain town. That night at dinner I wanted dad’s opinion on a topic that was and is really important to me: did he know any couples that were truly happy, content and fulfilled without ever having children? As with everything, I knew he would give it to me straight. Again, this was a milestone in our relationship. I was seeking dad’s opinion and wisdom – not resisting it.

I am so thankful for the memories I have and for the path that my relationship with dad was on that last year. These things will forever be in my heart.

hippos, horses, and wee ones

There is never a day that I’m “not in the mood” to see the children at Special School. I have no idea what it is like to be a parent, but my heart always lights up when I see one of the students; it warms when one of them hugs me or grabs onto my hand; I get a sense of joy when I hear “laoshi hao”/ “hello teacher”; I have a sense of pride when they accomplish something – great or small; I hurt when I can’t fix something for them or keep the bad from coming their way; I shed tears at times out of love, joy and/or pain. What I share with my students is so special to me and I’m so incredibly thankful for it.

I’ve had the joy of witnessing some short-term volunteers interact with the children and the joy and love that is exchanged. I watched the students jump and scream, smile and laugh and hug as 3 American guys handed over a gift of 2 new soccer balls to them. It was awesome! And they were SO excited that these foreigners would take the time to play a game with them. I smile now as I relive it all. The kids only stop playing with those soccer balls when it’s required for sleeping, eating or class time :)

There have also been a few tears of joy shed during hippotherapy this season. In addition to my pro-riders that have been coming each season for the past couple of years, we’ve had some new children joining in. One is a little 5 year-old boy (pictured above) who cannot speak and was slow to follow directions during therapy. When he first started hippotherapy, he rode with a slightly-slumped posture and didn’t follow directions or respond much to anything. With his father accompanying him, he has come 3 days/week for 4 weeks and has been making little bits of progress each week. On Wednesday, I held out a ring and within seconds he grabbed it! He was even able to put it up on the pole! He’s making noise now when he rides and smiling ear to ear! How awesome that his father gets to experience this with him. There is a 3 year-old girl who was so scared around the horses when she first came and she would just cry and cry as her mother held her. Now, she is up on the horse riding with one of the teachers. She smiles, speaks a little and even grabs onto the ring! Another little girl, 4 years old with Down Syndrome (in picture), just rode today by herself for the first time! She is so alert when she rides, can follow most directions, and today she could not stop smiling and waving at me! :) They are all so incredibly precious and I am so thrilled that they get to experience such a thing as hippotherapy here in China. I’ve watched them gain physical strength, coordination, balance, flexibility, etc. But moreover I’ve seen them benefit from interacting with the horses and the volunteers. They get to accomplish something so grand – riding a horse – and their disability isn’t holding them back. Finally, they get to be “normal.” They get to move freely through space because their horse is helping them. No more limping, no more slow pace, no more crouched posture, no more head being held low, no more crutches/canes/walkers…no…here they get to sit higher than anyone else and hold their heads high. And sometimes, they even get to make their horse “run”…something that makes each child squeal with pure, untainted joy.

Good Things are Happening

I truly cannot believe it's already May 12th!! Where oh where has time gone?!

Things have been moving right along here in Hunchun since my last post. I must say that being here the second time around has brought a new sense of "home." All of the glamour is gone but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's like wearing an old pair of jeans - they seem to fit just right. But don't get me wrong, nothing is at the point of being mundane or slow.

I worked with the stroke-affected adults for a couple of months to place their feet on better ground by demonstrating appropriate exercises and techniques. Because each individual had suffered the stroke one year or more prior, there was only so much I could do to help. Before I stopped going 4x/week, they assured me they felt confident with what I had shown them. I still visit them from time to time to check in. They each became dear to me and continue to hold a special place in my heart. Many mornings I see them walking on the street and it makes me smile every time. It's nice to be walking through town, see an old friend, and have the ability to chat with them a bit in Chinese.

At Special School, most things are much easier and more enjoyable now that the snow and ice are gone. It's great to see the children out playing and enjoying themselves. This coming Sunday is Disabled Day in China which means Sports Day will be this Friday at Special School. It's set up similar to Special Olympics and everyone, from the students and parents to the teachers and volunteers, loves Sports Day! Various types of competitions are held (even a tug-of-war between the volunteers and the teachers). It should be a great day! In addition to that excitement, hippotherapy starts up again on May 24th and the children are elated! They've been asking about riding horses since I returned in January :) Much goes into the program and I hope to get all of the details worked out in time.




Two brief news clips: 1st - The pediatric wheelchair I ordered for Song Ju came in from Beijing! Just as a reminder, he has muscular dystrophy and can no longer walk. The Province I live in (which is comparable to a US state) didn't have any small wheelchairs so we had to purchase an adult chair for temporary purposes. It made me cringe a little seeing him in it, but it was necessary for him to have a chair. I included both pictures so that you could see the difference in his posture. He was so excited when he saw it and his mother was incredibly grateful. He really seems to be happy and is even enjoying coming to therapy! :) 2nd - A mother in the community heard about the therapy at Special School so she brought her 6 year old son, Li Jia Cheng, in to see me. It was immediately apparent that his Achilles tendon was too short and needed to be surgically lengthened. What a blessing to find out soon after meeting Jia Cheng that the orthopedic surgeon from South Korea was making his yearly visit to Yanji one month later. This surgeon's work is excellent, his heart is worn on his sleeve, and he does his procedures at 1/2 price when he comes to China. Jia Cheng's family is very poor but, with the assistance of a Stateside couple whom I met last year when they visited Hunchun, we were able to pay for Jia Cheng's surgery and hospital stay. The surgery went extremely well and, with a cast on, he was walking 3 days later! I recently visited him and his mother and younger brother in their home. I was so happy to see Jia Cheng smiling ear to ear and walking about! You see, great things are happening!

Thank you so much for your continued support, love and interest! I truly feel blessed to be here and to be living this part of my dream! I'm happily living in the moment!

~keira

Not Spring Yet

It’s a snowy day in Hunchun. I walked to Chinese class this morning at 6:30 like a little child on her way to build sand castles on the beach – I had a little spring in my step. I am definitely ready for spring as things have been covered in snow and ice since my arrival however, this snow storm seems most enjoyable for some reason!

I have a little piece of news to start the update: Remember Song Ju - the little boy with muscular dystrophy whose mother left last fall? Well, she came back and took Song Ju out of the orphanage. I’m happy to say that he continues to attend Special School and I see him smiling when he is with the other students. I just hope his little heart is okay.

There is a new addition to my schedule this year, one that was unexpected but most welcome. The uncle of my Chinese friend, Tina, suffered a stroke three years ago. Once he discovered that I was a physical therapist he asked that I come over for a visit and observe his mobility and his daily exercise routine (the Chinese receive no education from the doctor regarding their stroke). I jumped at the opportunity – working with individuals who had suffered a stroke was one of my favorite aspects of my job back in Colorado. That visit to his apartment turned into me meeting with other adults in the community who are in the same predicament. I join them every Tuesday and Thursday morning and afternoon. The first morning I was headed to the “stroke center” (that’s what I’m calling our exercise room) I was called in to speak with the government officials first. It turns out they just wanted to see who the foreigner was, what my training was, thank me for my help, and remind me that I can never speak about my spiritual beliefs. Point taken.

I am so thrilled to be working with these people. Right now there are about 20 people gathering together. They are so excited and grateful and my heart is so full and joyful when I’m with them. Incredible – now I get to spend time with the children and the older adult population!

My language learning is coming along. People tell me I am learning quickly but there are times I am discouraged and feel as though I can’t communicate anything meaningful. It comes back to that desire of mine to gel with people on a deeper level. I’m independent but very relational too. I want to truly connect with the children at Special School, the adults at the stroke center, and friends I’ve met along the way. I know – it will come :) Tuesdays and Thursdays are hoppin’ – I leave my apartment at 6:30a and arrive home at 7:30p. It’s a full day of communicating in Chinese without the company of another foreigner, an English-speaking local, or the assistance of a translator (except at the stroke center – I have a translator). I get home and my brain is on overload. I’ve started attempting to translate things into Chinese in my dreams or when rolling over in bed. Ahh!!

Hope you all are well!

a look within

I know many of you heard me say it while I was in the States, but coming home is/was wonderful and difficult all at the same time. It seems as though every time I go through transition I end up analyzing my entire life. That may or may not be a natural response. Regardless, transition has occurred so often in my life the past 3 years and it can be tiring. BUT, I have the most incredible people in my life. I have said that so many times before and I’ll continue to say it until the day I die. :) The connections I share and the love that I have is profound and immeasurable. I cannot tell you how many times it has been a strength to me. (It was today as I read through some of the notes of encouragement people have written to me over the past two years.)

I think we all go through the up and down motion between confidence and self-doubt, clarity and confusion, optimism and pessimism regarding all aspects of our lives. For some, the extreme from point to point is greater than for others. I don’t exactly know where I fit on that scale comparatively but I do know this – I tend to feel things pretty deeply so my highs are high and my lows are low.

During my time back “home” this winter I experienced the highs and the lows. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with everyone and each interaction was unique in its own way. However, there was an internal struggle going on. There were times I was fully aware of this struggle and times I was completely oblivious. Now, spending time in reflection, I realize I lost sight of the strength and confidence that has so often fueled my journey. This affected the areas of friendship, love, faith, and my decision to return overseas to an “abnormal” life. Thankfully, now that my feet are planted in one spot again, clarity is reclaiming its place:

In the realm of friendship – despite my physical absence, the true and meaningful relationships I have will continue to exist. Although changes will occur in each person’s life, including mine, and the gap may widen from time to time, the foundation that is there will remain firm. My history has proven that time does not destroy friendship nor family.

In the realm of love – although it is a longing unfulfilled it is one that does not cripple me. Strength has been restored.

In the realm of faith – although I am embarking on a personal “faith journey” that is extremely deep and at times dark and lonely, I have confidence that it is vital and true. It is a journey that will not end overnight and it will take a great deal of focus and energy to complete, but I am determined.

In the realm of my decision to return overseas – I believe in most situations there is often something lost for something gained. That loss can be positive, negative or neutral. Coming home I somehow forgot, for a time, what was gained by living this different life and unfortunately looked too closely at what was lost. I had begun to question where I was at and why. It was part of the affect of the transition. But about one month into being home I started down a path that was beneficial for my sanity and for regaining the strength and confidence I had lost: I read my old journal entries. There on those pages I had poured out my soul, my dreams, and my ambitions. I saw that my course changed from time to time but the underlying goal and drive remained constant; I also talked to a couple of dear friends and family members to get their take on me – what I was made up of, what I had talked about in the past regarding my dreams and desires, some instances that fueled those dreams, etc. Those two things (the reading and the discussions) served as strong reminders of how I came to be where I am today. This alternative lifestyle is not a fluke nor is it an attempt to run away from anything. I didn’t grow up wanting to be a physical therapist but grew up wanting to help those who are affected by a terminal illness or a disability (generally speaking – those who are hurting and/or forgotten). PT became the vehicle to accomplish this. I suppose I say that because, to me, if I don’t practice as a physical therapist for the rest of my life I won’t be devastated or feel like I wasted my education or career. Although I love PT, as long as I follow what is deep within me I believe I’ll be in the right place. And, as my conversations with friends and family revealed, I’ve always craved something a little less ordinary.

I realize that, on some levels, I am being rather personal here. I recently told a friend that I think sometimes my transparency is a down-fall of mine. But, it so often feels extremely natural for me. I don’t know what it is or what compels me to be like that. I suppose right now it is allowing me to embrace the personal growth that is occurring and to take that step of acceptance into my current reality. You each are supporting me in this endeavor of mine in your own way and bringing you along with me, on a more personal level, is just something I want to do. It’s a way for me to feel connected to you. One thing I know about myself, without a doubt, I want to feel connected to people on a level that is genuine and meaningful.

Back to Hunchun

Although, naturally, there is a little sadness regarding what I have left behind, it's good to be back in China. I've been back a week now and have settled in to the familiar things of this place - the markets filled with all sorts of raw meats and fish (dead and alive); the constant honking of the taxis; the confusion of the locals as to whether I'm Russian or American; the endless opportunities to consume rice; the walking to get most places or my little #8 bus; the ever-surprising rate at which Chinese flows from the mouths of the locals. However, there are some new things that are present that weren't around late October - the thick layer of ice on the sidewalks and side roads when I first arrived (entertaining watching the women walking on the ice in their high heels...yes, they love heels that much here); frozen fish being sold on carts outside everywhere because it's that cold...they don't defrost in the sun (we're talking the whole fish. not in cute little filet form); the lack of hot water for a shower. i think it's closer to lukewarm (hot showers are overrated, right?); oh yes...the biggie...the frigid temperatures mixed with the ever-popular Hunchun wind. Today was -3 with a windchill of -24 (yes, i'm talking fahrenheit). Whoa buddy!!! I walked to Special School which took about 30 minutes and I couldn't feel my face when I got there. Actually, I'm pretty sure I couldn't talk normal and a little drool may have escaped my mouth without me realizing it, ha! Good thing I'm not trying to score any dates here :)

Okay, okay...on a more serious note. The month of February will likely be a bit slow for me. The children aren't at school because of the cold and we don't have teams visiting this time of year. I'll dive back into the language studies, do some office work at the school, shovel horse poop and snow at the ranch, read some books, and celebrate the Chinese New Year (Feb 14th with a huge fireworks show on the 28th - yippee!!! I absolutely love fireworks!!)

That's all for now folks! Take care and stay in touch
~k