Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togeder today.

This blog is much different than most, if not all, of my previous posts. It's on the topic of love and marriage. I assume it has been on my mind lately due to the following: the far-too-frequent question asked of me here in China - “are you married?” followed by a “why not?!!” wrapped in grave concern; the seemingly consistent news of another divorce/separation due to unfaithfulness and/or the “wow factor” fading; good old soul-searching (assessing my journey the past several years/where I am now/where I want to go) and examining past relationships and their effect on me. So, I am seeking insight from all you marrieds out there (and the singles – feel free to chime in). It's an important topic to me and I sincerely would enjoy and welcome your feedback. Please forgive me if I seem a bit scattered. There is so much on my mind and heart but I'll spare you the lengthy details.

Here we go...

Many married couples often feel sorry for us single folk and it leaves me wondering – what is so much better about married life? I'm serious. I want to know. Sometimes I go into the state where I wonder if it's even worth it...a serious relationship and/or marriage, that is. I think about the dating process and that alone is enough to exhaust me. So much energy goes into it. And I've tried the “dating just for fun” approach and honestly, I'm not so great at it. I, in general, get attached to people easily and in addition to me running off to various parts of the world, it doesn't work so well. Besides, what's the point? No, I don't go out and become neurotic and refuse to talk to a guy if I don't think he's “the one” material. That's a bit much and people like that freak me out. But I can't become romantically involved with a man and keep the emotional aspect at surface level. Shoot, I can only handle friendships that remain at surface level for so long. I need meaning and depth in my relationships. Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked so back to the original thoughts.

Let's say you date someone and end up falling head over heels in love. Whether you date for a long time or you end up getting married, you end up losing that “wow factor” that once existed in the beginnings of the relationship – that is a given. But the relationship deepens in beautiful ways and you eventually know that person unlike any other. Hopefully, you become a team and despite the waxing and waning of romance, you wouldn't trade your partnership with him/her for anyone else. Hopefully. But take the instances when that “wow factor” was actually the problem from the start. What if it was what blinded you to the truth – the fact that the two of you weren't meant to be together. That actually your differences – the ones that count - are too great and love just isn't enough. The unfortunate thing is you find this out once you've given so much of yourself. Of your heart. It leaves you open and wounded. Maybe there was an indication from the beginning that it wasn't meant to be but the hope for love and partnership got in the way.

The “wow factor” is an exciting part of a new relationship but is certain to fade or change after an undetermined length of time. It can also get in the way of seeing the truth. That leads me to the next thought: What about those incredible friendships between a guy and gal...they are free to be themselves around the other person; free to express dreams, fears and failures; they really connect; they laugh together and can count on the other person to be there if needed. What if all the important things are there except the “wow factor”? Does this mean there is no chemistry? And chemistry is important but how important is it?

I'd love to think that both are possible – the physical “wow factor” and the incredible friendship – but that seems a little out of reach. I'm completely aware that there is no perfect relationship but I also think that people can get a little lax or a little petty when looking for that perfect mate. So where is the balance people?!

As far as some feeling sorry for me because I'm not married – I don't understand. I have experienced so many different things in the past 6 years and I've been single through the majority of it...and I'm okay! More than okay – I'm happy! I've lived in different countries, chased after dreams, undergone personal growth and many of my friendships (new and old) have deepened because I didn't have a spouse to lean on in the tough times. Several of my friends are considered family now and I'm so thankful for that. I don't know if that would have happened had I been married.

I'm not saying that single life is better than a serious relationship or marriage. I guess what I'm trying to say is that good and bad things have happened and I know I can make it being single. I have discovered that I don't need a relationship to feel strong or happy or loved or adventurous or fulfilled.

But, despite this independence, my heart's desire is not to be single from now until forever. I want to share life's journey with someone. I want to believe that certain things in a partnership are possible (I'm not ready to divulge those yet). The truth is that I'm moderately hesitant, skeptical, fearful and a touch pessimistic. In today's world it is far too easy to see unhealthy relationships and to hear of broken marriages. I suppose that combined with some relational things from the past leaves me feeling a little disheartened.

So this is where you come in. I want you to tell me – what is great about marriage? What makes the risk worth it? What are the important things in a relationship? What's the good stuff that comes after the romance stage? And don't worry, I know it's not all roses. Believe me. But I'm asking for the positive things because I'm needing my faith restored in romantic relationships as a whole. I would love, love, love it if you would email me and share your thoughts. It can be one sentence, one paragraph, one book :)