Dad

It's been two years since dad died. That day is still so vivid. I spent the last couple of nights out at our ranch here in China in order to have some quiet and stillness. I sat under a big tree with a nice breeze blowing and wrote the following sweet memories of dad (both when I was a little girl and a young adult) -

* him tickling me until I couldn't breathe * him thumping the nose of my teddy bear, Herman, every night when tucking me into bed * closing the "wall bed" with me in it and him walking away like he might forget * him letting me ride in the trunk of the car if we were going a short distance * teaching me how to drive out at the Holyoke airport. I had to sit on a pillow so that I could see! :) I think even with the pillow, I had to look under the top of the steering wheel, ha! He let me practice at the cemetery when I got good with turning * going out with him on the motorcycle. I remember we were coming back home and turning into the driveway in the alley and somehow we fell over – on the motorcycle. We weren’t going fast so we didn’t get hurt. At first it scared me, but then I couldn’t stop laughing * playing softball (catch) in the backyard * pulling over during our trips to the mountains so that we could go stomping in the river * going to visit dad when he was working at the hospital – if he were down in the basement where the cardiac rehab room was, we’d always go back upstairs passing by the morgue room. It never failed that just as we got to that room, dad would scare me and I’d run up the stairs as fast as I could, my heart pounding and him chasing after me laughing * flying in his airplane with me in the very back (the little jump seat, I think) giggling constantly because of the turbulence * him saying “oh honey” every time he saw a nice motorcycle * various people frequently bringing fresh fish and/or vegetables to our house in the summer. I never knew why but later discovered that it often was a form of payment dad was accepting for doctor visits that that person couldn't afford. Of course, dad didn't make that known to us...it wasn't his style to build himself up * him hugging me for an extended period of time while standing in the kitchen in the Swink house. For a long time he didn’t say anything. I felt his body shake slightly in his attempt to hold back tears. Then he said “your mother and I are so proud of you. You’ve become a fine young woman.” I went to Thailand less than a week later - that trip to Swink was the last time I saw him. * Us sitting in Chili’s at Lincoln and I-25 (mom was with us) and I had an overwhelming feeling to tell him how much he meant to me. I had written little things in cards here and there but never looked him in the eyes and said much beyond “I love you” and “thank you.” That afternoon I looked him in the eye and watched this strong dad of mine cry as I told him: how much I loved him, how grateful I was that he took on us 3 kids when he married mom. He could have easily said he didn’t want to raise another 3 children at that point in his life – he already had two grown children of his own. But, that didn’t bother dad a bit. In his mind, it didn’t matter that marrying mom was a package deal. Not only did he take us into his home, but he treated and loved us as his own. Calling him my step-dad didn’t work for me. I didn’t want that separation. He was dad – I just happened to have two :) I told him that he had been an incredible role model for me as to how a man should treat a woman: the way he loved mom, the way he cared for her, the way they resolved conflict, the way he supported her dreams and efforts. I finally told him that so much of the good parts of me were because of his role in my life and the things that he and mom had taught me. I knew he supported my dreams and aspirations and he would do anything to help if he could or if he was needed. I’ll never forget us crying together that day – in the middle of Chili’s. * Talking with dad while he was in the hospital after his back surgery: for the first time, I talked to him about a possible male relationship and wanted to know his opinion on this guy. Never had I done that. It was actually a sign to me that I had entered a healthy stage in the world of romantic relationships. I had realized, there in the hospital, that my desire of dad’s input regarding the man I wanted to date or was dating was a sign that I wasn’t trying to hide anything – which meant that it was more unlikely that I was “settling” for a guy that wasn’t right for me. I decided that this was going to become my litmus test – if I didn’t want dad to know about a guy I was interested in or if I didn’t want dad to meet him, I was in a wrong relationship. Seems obvious, but at the time this was a new page I had turned :) Since I was struggling to trust myself with relationships, it was a huge relief knowing I had dad to weigh in on it and tell me like it was. It made me feel safe. * I spent mom and dad’s anniversary with them in Salida, CO – their favorite place – in June ’08. The first day there, dad and I went out just the two of us. We ate lunch out on a patio by the river and talked about life. Then we went to a small winery and took a little tour, tasted some wine and picked our favorites to buy. I realized on this day that dad and I had shifted our relationship from strictly father-daughter (more disciplinary) to a friendship. I remember my heart smiling and thinking “mmm. I like this.” I made dinner that night for the 3 of us and he loved it…salmon on a bed of raw spinach and blacked beans topped with a Caribbean jerk seasoning and pineapple salsa. The next day, the three of us and Sparky (the dog) went into town and watched the parade and then the rafting and kayak competitions. We were all so happy and content in our quiet, little, comfortable-feeling mountain town. That night at dinner I wanted dad’s opinion on a topic that was and is really important to me: did he know any couples that were truly happy, content and fulfilled without ever having children? As with everything, I knew he would give it to me straight. Again, this was a milestone in our relationship. I was seeking dad’s opinion and wisdom – not resisting it.

I am so thankful for the memories I have and for the path that my relationship with dad was on that last year. These things will forever be in my heart.