Follow-up Thoughts on Twoo Wuv

Reading everyone's responses has been such a blessing and an encouragement. Just yesterday I came across this in one of my journal entries from last December - “Although I've recently been in a pessimistic slump regarding love, I really want to believe that true, deep, committed love is REAL and possible and worth the risk.” Going through this process with the blog has revealed that what I long for is not over-idealistic. It's real. It's possible. It's worth the risk. It's definitely worth the wait. I'm not being too picky. I'm not setting my expectations too high. I'm not skipping around with an over-the-top fairytale view of marriage. Of course it's bound to be a touch idealistic because I've yet to be married therefore I have not personally experienced its challenges. But everything has its challenges. You all admitted to me that marriage is not a cake-walk but you also voiced that all of the difficulties were very much worth the joy, comfort and love that you have experienced in your marriage. That's hope, my friends!!

As I said in the first blog, the longing to be in a committed relationship is there. It's strong and dwells deep within me but it isn't screaming in my ear or debilitating me. I admit it can be a roller coaster. When I wrote the blog I was struggling with pessimism, doubt, and skepticism regarding romantic relationships. I can't tell you that all of those emotions have been completely wiped away, but they have certainly lessened. And I can't deny that there have been times in my life when I've hidden behind my independence as a self-protection against the longings and loneliness.

Regardless of how intense that loneliness might become, I cannot step away from the knowledge and comfort that God truly is in control and is more than aware of my heart's desires. He knows what is best for me better than I ever can or will. I cannot allow loneliness or fear or self-doubt or outside pressure to rush me into one of the most important decisions of my life. This is the rest of my life we're talking about. Loneliness that can come with being with the wrong person is far greater than the loneliness that comes with singleness...let alone all the other trouble that would come with rushing things.

So...to sum it all up...

Do I want to join my heart with another? Sure do. Am I lonely sometimes? Sure am. Will I see my singleness as a limitation or a disability? Sure won't. I refuse to put things on hold because I'm single. I refuse to hold back on living life to the fullest because I'm not married. I must refuse to allow my self to lack confidence, or self-worth or joy or vision or passion for life because I'm not married. If there's any single people out there living like that – stop it!! Realize that your singlehood is merely a chapter in your life. Once you finish that chapter and turn the page, it's over. No going back. So embrace it! The next chapter will come soon enough, and just as you long for things from that chapter now, you'll miss some of the things from the singlehood chapter later. We need to get a grip on the “grass is always greener” syndrome (I'm talking to myself too).

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23 The joining of two lives is a beautiful yet serious thing. It's sacred and we can't rush it. Until I meet someone who truly brings out the best in me and I in him, and unless we as a couple maximize God's potential for one another, it is best to remain single.

I must say, this has been the most rewarding “blog experience.” I thoroughly enjoyed digesting all of your thoughts and loved seeing into your worlds. Have I mentioned I live for deep connections? ;) It was so rewarding to offer my vulnerability and to receive yours in return. This was like conversation over coffee sitting by a warm fire or while out camping in the wilderness!! So fabulous! Thank you all so, so much!

Tons of love coming your way!

Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togeder today.

This blog is much different than most, if not all, of my previous posts. It's on the topic of love and marriage. I assume it has been on my mind lately due to the following: the far-too-frequent question asked of me here in China - “are you married?” followed by a “why not?!!” wrapped in grave concern; the seemingly consistent news of another divorce/separation due to unfaithfulness and/or the “wow factor” fading; good old soul-searching (assessing my journey the past several years/where I am now/where I want to go) and examining past relationships and their effect on me. So, I am seeking insight from all you marrieds out there (and the singles – feel free to chime in). It's an important topic to me and I sincerely would enjoy and welcome your feedback. Please forgive me if I seem a bit scattered. There is so much on my mind and heart but I'll spare you the lengthy details.

Here we go...

Many married couples often feel sorry for us single folk and it leaves me wondering – what is so much better about married life? I'm serious. I want to know. Sometimes I go into the state where I wonder if it's even worth it...a serious relationship and/or marriage, that is. I think about the dating process and that alone is enough to exhaust me. So much energy goes into it. And I've tried the “dating just for fun” approach and honestly, I'm not so great at it. I, in general, get attached to people easily and in addition to me running off to various parts of the world, it doesn't work so well. Besides, what's the point? No, I don't go out and become neurotic and refuse to talk to a guy if I don't think he's “the one” material. That's a bit much and people like that freak me out. But I can't become romantically involved with a man and keep the emotional aspect at surface level. Shoot, I can only handle friendships that remain at surface level for so long. I need meaning and depth in my relationships. Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked so back to the original thoughts.

Let's say you date someone and end up falling head over heels in love. Whether you date for a long time or you end up getting married, you end up losing that “wow factor” that once existed in the beginnings of the relationship – that is a given. But the relationship deepens in beautiful ways and you eventually know that person unlike any other. Hopefully, you become a team and despite the waxing and waning of romance, you wouldn't trade your partnership with him/her for anyone else. Hopefully. But take the instances when that “wow factor” was actually the problem from the start. What if it was what blinded you to the truth – the fact that the two of you weren't meant to be together. That actually your differences – the ones that count - are too great and love just isn't enough. The unfortunate thing is you find this out once you've given so much of yourself. Of your heart. It leaves you open and wounded. Maybe there was an indication from the beginning that it wasn't meant to be but the hope for love and partnership got in the way.

The “wow factor” is an exciting part of a new relationship but is certain to fade or change after an undetermined length of time. It can also get in the way of seeing the truth. That leads me to the next thought: What about those incredible friendships between a guy and gal...they are free to be themselves around the other person; free to express dreams, fears and failures; they really connect; they laugh together and can count on the other person to be there if needed. What if all the important things are there except the “wow factor”? Does this mean there is no chemistry? And chemistry is important but how important is it?

I'd love to think that both are possible – the physical “wow factor” and the incredible friendship – but that seems a little out of reach. I'm completely aware that there is no perfect relationship but I also think that people can get a little lax or a little petty when looking for that perfect mate. So where is the balance people?!

As far as some feeling sorry for me because I'm not married – I don't understand. I have experienced so many different things in the past 6 years and I've been single through the majority of it...and I'm okay! More than okay – I'm happy! I've lived in different countries, chased after dreams, undergone personal growth and many of my friendships (new and old) have deepened because I didn't have a spouse to lean on in the tough times. Several of my friends are considered family now and I'm so thankful for that. I don't know if that would have happened had I been married.

I'm not saying that single life is better than a serious relationship or marriage. I guess what I'm trying to say is that good and bad things have happened and I know I can make it being single. I have discovered that I don't need a relationship to feel strong or happy or loved or adventurous or fulfilled.

But, despite this independence, my heart's desire is not to be single from now until forever. I want to share life's journey with someone. I want to believe that certain things in a partnership are possible (I'm not ready to divulge those yet). The truth is that I'm moderately hesitant, skeptical, fearful and a touch pessimistic. In today's world it is far too easy to see unhealthy relationships and to hear of broken marriages. I suppose that combined with some relational things from the past leaves me feeling a little disheartened.

So this is where you come in. I want you to tell me – what is great about marriage? What makes the risk worth it? What are the important things in a relationship? What's the good stuff that comes after the romance stage? And don't worry, I know it's not all roses. Believe me. But I'm asking for the positive things because I'm needing my faith restored in romantic relationships as a whole. I would love, love, love it if you would email me and share your thoughts. It can be one sentence, one paragraph, one book :)

Can I get a Woo-Hoo!!

It's been one month since the accident and YongAe is doing SO much better! We must have turned a corner on Sunday because she started making progress like crazy. Today was huge...she WALKED!!!! Using a walker she went ~30 feet four different times! In addition to that, she was able to sit up, stand up, and lie down without me assisting her! I still need to stand by her due to weakness and occasional dizziness, but oh what progress! And she was able to sit up just over four hours today! YongAe is ecstatic. To top it all off - she got to shower today for the first time in a month! She feels like a new woman :) I am so thankful for the progress she is making and just so thrilled for her. Again, thank you so much for your prayers and support!!

p.s The picture is YongAe today after walking and showering :)

Busted Her Out!

Today we moved YongAe from the hospital to her home here in Hunchun. No longer does she have to deal with an IV she doesn't need every day or lie in a hospital that is dirty and has cockroaches. She gets to be home. Now the thing about getting her home - she can't walk, she continues to have significant pain and vertigo, oh yea...and she lives on the SIXTH floor! We were desperate enough to get her out of there (and her 10x more desperate to leave) so we devised a plan. We strapped her onto a stretcher and carried her 6 flights of stairs. It was brutal for YongAe as the stretcher was awful and the ambulance ride anything but smooth but she was determined to make it. It took a while for the pain to settle once we got her to the apartment, but she made it!! And now she is in the comfort of her own home :) I could barely sleep last night as I was going over all of the details of the move and had butterflies this morning. But, the crew that helped me did an amazing job and the teamwork was flawless. What a relief - it's over!!

Here's a recap of the move. We had to get her out of the room (the beds don't fit through the doors), onto a stretcher, strap her into the stretcher (they don't strap patients in), get her into the ambulance, carry her up the stairs...some corners were a little tight. Take note of the huge gap in the middle of the stretcher...not comfy at all. YongAe is a rockstar!!

Yong Ae - 3 weeks

First, I want to thank all of you for the outpouring of support. I've gathered all of your encouraging words and put them together on a piece of paper that I can frequently read. I feel as though those words put strength behind my knees and softness in my hands. Thank you so much for being there when I needed you.

Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since the horrible accident. I saw photos of the car and it sent shivers down my spine. How did they all survive??!! The front half of the car (where the driver and front seat passenger were) is completely smashed. The steering wheel was crushed down to the ground. I don't understand how the two men weren't trapped in with their legs crushed. How did they get out? Neither can remember. I remember looking up into the car as I was lying there with YongAe and seeing no room except where she was lying. It's unbelievable! The way everything happened...I just don't see any explanation other than God.

YongAe is making progress! She still requires assistance to obtain a sitting position on the edge of the bed but she is able to do more and more of the work to get there. Last Sunday, I helped her transfer to a chair for the first time. That day she tolerated 3 minutes in the chair before needing to return to bed due to dizziness and pain. Yesterday, she was able to tolerate 30 minutes in the chair and took little shuffle steps to transfer! It's very exciting! YongAe is, of course, wishing that the recovery was moving faster but she's done well with being patient and listening to her body.

Please continue to pray for her. As you can see, she still has a long road ahead of her. YongAe still struggles with pain in her low back and significant muscle tension in her upper back as well as vertigo when she sits up. I can complete a procedure to address the vertigo but YongAe's pain needs to be lower first. Her spirits have remained high for the most part but she struggles with discouragement from time to time. In addition to all of this, YongAe's daughter (her only child) will be delivering her first child in late November. The original plan was for David and YongAe to fly to the States on November 15th. It is so important to YongAe to be there for her daughter. Please cover her and this entire situation in prayer.

I'd also appreciate your continued prayers. I want my hands to be filled with love and comfort that pours over YongAe every time I come into contact with her. I want my words to be uplifting, encouraging and motivating and my medical judgment to remain clear.

Thanks everyone!!

One Week Post-Accident

It's been one week since the car accident. It's amazing to see how quickly the recovery is going for everyone involved regarding the circumstances. Tina remains at home with her mother and just said today she is able to do more and more on her own and that the pain is slowly getting better. I plan to visit her tomorrow.

David (Yong Ae's husband) and the 3 of us who were at the scene (Lori, myself, and Zaibin) were able get the taxi driver's phone number and visit him at his home. It was such a good visit. He couldn't stop apologizing and saying how badly he felt but we were able to look him in the eye and tell him that we don't hold him responsible. We wanted him to know that we consider him a friend and that we care about him and how he is doing - physically and emotionally. We all talked for awhile and just before we left, David handed him an envelope with some money to assist him since he currently cannot work. He tried so hard to refuse it but eventually David won. He sat there on his knees and cried (so, so, so unusual for a Chinese man). He couldn't believe that we were helping him and caring about him so much when he was "supposed to be the one providing the help." Friendships were definitely formed that night. Ah, it was such a good visit.

Yong Ae has been doing well thus far. The doctors had instructed her to lie flat for 1 month but that is absolutely crazy...for many reasons (bed sores, pneumonia, blood clots). Again, the medical care here is greatly lacking. Nurses rarely come around, 3different doctors have given 3 different diagnoses, no one even checks vital signs let alone anything else important (sensation, reflexes, respiration rate, etc). It's amazing. Anyway...initially, I and various members of our crew here were helping her roll into sidelying and by Thursday she was able to do it on her own. For those of you who are medical - don't worry. I have been full of instruction regarding proper precautions.

Tonight we began the next phase of therapy - sitting up on the edge of the bed. Yong Ae has been wanting to sit up since the day of the accident. :) I knew that pain and dizziness would be present and made sure to go over everything with Yong Ae before the transition. David and I assisted her into sitting but she struggled with significant dizziness and a severe pain in her low back (not part of any of the 3 dianoses) that caused her to need to lie back down almost immediately. Her words were "wow. I'm shocked. I had no idea it would be this hard." Yong Ae is a tough woman. Remember, she endured 8 hours of pain after the accident without pain meds. So please continue to pray for her recovery: quick healing; no further complications; an emotional toughness; no discouragement. She has a long road ahead of her.

Please also pray for me. In regards to the medical aspect, I'm basically flying solo here and I have moments when I doubt my ability. Without a medical team behind me it is easy to second-guess myself. There is not one medical person here whom I trust and can turn to. It's so strange. I've never been in this boat. It would be one thing if it were a minor injury but totally different with it being such a serious circumstance. I'm part confident in my ability and part scared. I think that fear comes from many places - the lack of medical support, not having reliable information to go off of, having emotions from being at the scene, having emotions because she is my friend, feeling like I have sole responsibility of what happens because it is me and me alone who is progressing her. It's a heavy weight. But I know it's NOTHING compared to being one of the ones who was actually in the accident. I'm just saying that I really need prayer right now and through this whole thing.

Once again, I need you guys! Your support has given me strength this past week and I can't thank you enough. Truly. I love you!

God in the Midst of a Nightmare

What started out as a typical day ending up taking a serious turn. Zaibin came and picked me up at 6:45 this morning and we headed over to get Lori to head out to the ranch to prepare for hippotherapy. We generally leave town right away but today was different as we needed to pick up corn feed for the cows. This delayed us about 20 minutes. It was a cold, rainy morning. We were out of the city limits and about 1/2 way to the ranch when Lori noticed something far up ahead in the ditch. She said "uh oh, this can't be good. It looks like a tractor." Zaibin slowed as we got closer and I rolled down my window to see what had happened. I'll never forget looking out the window and making eye contact with my dear friend, Tina. She was standing down in the ditch near the car and had the shear look of fear on her face. It hit me that the red, crushed object was a taxi and that Tina had been a passenger. Zaibin pulled over and Lori and I ran to the scene. Tina then told me that Yong Ae was still inside the car. I immediately ran down to help her and saw that the car was upside down and broken glass was everywhere (the car had hydroplaned, hit a tree knocking it over and flipped). A calmness and pure focus came over me. Yong Ae was conscious but in a great deal of pain. Some men were trying to pull her out but I urgently told them to stop - don't move her!! I got down with her, held her hand and was able to speak calmly to her. Zaibin called the ambulance (which they initially said they needed payment first before they drove out. Zaibin told them to shut up and get out there right away - it was a serious accident!) and Lori immediately checked the car for leaking fuel and various dangers...which, thank goodness, there were none. I won't go into all of the details of the accident. There's no need to fill your head with unpleasantries.

There were 4 people in the car - the driver (a Chinese man in his 40s), Tina (she is a 22 year old Chinese gal who has worked with CRAM for several years and is so loved by all of us), Yong Ae (she is 52 years old, part of our team here and has lived in Hunchun for 4 years. She has recently battled cancer but has such strong faith and courage), and her friend Abe (in his 30s from South Korea. He was only visiting). Miraculously, no one was thrown from the car. Everyone experienced severe shock and I'm sure the flashbacks will be there for a while. As far as we know, Abe only had a small cut on his head and some pain in his back. Despite our encouragement to stay, he went to Yanji to catch his flight back to South Korea and will see a doctor there. The driver's forearm had pretty bad cuts and swelling and his neck hurt but the doctor said nothing was broken. He's in a good deal of pain though. Tina has bruising and swelling on the left side of her face, her left arm and knee are painful and swollen, and her neck is extremely stiff and painful. X-rays show no broken bones. I predict she may have a concussion but no CT scan was taken. Because she was walking around (although holding her neck) the doctor said she was fine and that she couldn't stay at the hospital. We are bringing her back tomorrow with a local person of great "influence" helping us. Yong Ae was hurt the worst. She is so tiny so her body was easily banged up. A bone in her spine (T7) is fractured as well as her sternum (the long, flat bone in the middle of your chest). She is in a great deal of pain but it is an absoulte miracle that there are no additional injuries.

The hospital was a difficult experience and so far separated from what medical care is in the States. On the stretcher in the ambulance there are no straps to hold the person on. I actually had to brace Yong Ae as we flew down the road. There are no neck braces. There was no care in the ambulance at all. No ER to rush to...we waited out in the hall for hours. For the first X-Ray the doctor wanted Yong Ae to walk to the table...she could barely move. We, her friends, had to transfer her from gerny to X-Ray table then back to gerny then to the CT scan table, then to gerny, then to the MRI table, etc. None of the hospital staff knew how to safely transfer her while keeping her stable. I thank God I could be there to help and to instruct people in the safe way to move her. Yung Ae had to endure all of this - all of the testing and the moving and the waiting - for 8 hours before she was given pain meds. Can you imagine?!

We took Tina to her home in the village to be with her mother. She was able to sleep this afternoon for a couple of hours but is still in a great deal of pain. I visited her tonight and she shows no acute signs of a major concussion. Yung Ae is in the hospital and is more coherent now. She knows who everyone is, where she is, etc. She is experiencing tremendous pain and was only able to sleep 30 minutes this afternoon. Despite all of this trauma, she still thanks God that it was her who was hurt so badly and not any of the others. She is an incredible woman! The driver has been home resting. He got to the hospital this morning after we did and rushed up to Yong Ae with a look of sorrow and remorse. His eyes filled with tears (Chinese men do not show emotion like this) and he put his hand over his heart shaking his head. The look in his eyes broke my heart as I could see the weight of this whole incident resting on his shoulders. Please, please pray for him. The shame that the Chinese carry for something like this can be extremely severe. He has been on my heart all day. Our crew will be making a point to befriend him and to show him that we care and we don't hold him responsible. Please pray for his heart and mind. Please.

I tell you my friends, I am know that God protected each of them in this horrible accident and that he brought us on the road at the perfect time. I am sure of it! If you could have seen the car you would know it is a miracle that everyone lived. And we came upon the scene a mere 2 minutes after it happened! Had we not stopped to get corn, we wouldn't have been there to help. That may not seem like that big of a deal, but people in China don't stop to help when there is an accident or any type of injury for fear of somehow being held responsible. With us there, we were able to get the ambulance called, stop people from moving Yong Ae (and now knowing she had a spinal fracture - even better), and comfort our friends who were hurting and afraid. The song that I sang to Yong Ae as she lay in the taxi waiting for the ambulance continues to come into my head throughout the day (David, Yong Ae's husband, said he was singing it as he was driving to Hunchun from Yanji to come to the hospital)..."Jesus, we love you. We worship and adore you. Glorify thy name in all the earth. Glorify thy name. Glorify thy name. Glorify thy name in all the earth." Ohh, yes...he was there.