God in the Midst of a Nightmare

What started out as a typical day ending up taking a serious turn. Zaibin came and picked me up at 6:45 this morning and we headed over to get Lori to head out to the ranch to prepare for hippotherapy. We generally leave town right away but today was different as we needed to pick up corn feed for the cows. This delayed us about 20 minutes. It was a cold, rainy morning. We were out of the city limits and about 1/2 way to the ranch when Lori noticed something far up ahead in the ditch. She said "uh oh, this can't be good. It looks like a tractor." Zaibin slowed as we got closer and I rolled down my window to see what had happened. I'll never forget looking out the window and making eye contact with my dear friend, Tina. She was standing down in the ditch near the car and had the shear look of fear on her face. It hit me that the red, crushed object was a taxi and that Tina had been a passenger. Zaibin pulled over and Lori and I ran to the scene. Tina then told me that Yong Ae was still inside the car. I immediately ran down to help her and saw that the car was upside down and broken glass was everywhere (the car had hydroplaned, hit a tree knocking it over and flipped). A calmness and pure focus came over me. Yong Ae was conscious but in a great deal of pain. Some men were trying to pull her out but I urgently told them to stop - don't move her!! I got down with her, held her hand and was able to speak calmly to her. Zaibin called the ambulance (which they initially said they needed payment first before they drove out. Zaibin told them to shut up and get out there right away - it was a serious accident!) and Lori immediately checked the car for leaking fuel and various dangers...which, thank goodness, there were none. I won't go into all of the details of the accident. There's no need to fill your head with unpleasantries.

There were 4 people in the car - the driver (a Chinese man in his 40s), Tina (she is a 22 year old Chinese gal who has worked with CRAM for several years and is so loved by all of us), Yong Ae (she is 52 years old, part of our team here and has lived in Hunchun for 4 years. She has recently battled cancer but has such strong faith and courage), and her friend Abe (in his 30s from South Korea. He was only visiting). Miraculously, no one was thrown from the car. Everyone experienced severe shock and I'm sure the flashbacks will be there for a while. As far as we know, Abe only had a small cut on his head and some pain in his back. Despite our encouragement to stay, he went to Yanji to catch his flight back to South Korea and will see a doctor there. The driver's forearm had pretty bad cuts and swelling and his neck hurt but the doctor said nothing was broken. He's in a good deal of pain though. Tina has bruising and swelling on the left side of her face, her left arm and knee are painful and swollen, and her neck is extremely stiff and painful. X-rays show no broken bones. I predict she may have a concussion but no CT scan was taken. Because she was walking around (although holding her neck) the doctor said she was fine and that she couldn't stay at the hospital. We are bringing her back tomorrow with a local person of great "influence" helping us. Yong Ae was hurt the worst. She is so tiny so her body was easily banged up. A bone in her spine (T7) is fractured as well as her sternum (the long, flat bone in the middle of your chest). She is in a great deal of pain but it is an absoulte miracle that there are no additional injuries.

The hospital was a difficult experience and so far separated from what medical care is in the States. On the stretcher in the ambulance there are no straps to hold the person on. I actually had to brace Yong Ae as we flew down the road. There are no neck braces. There was no care in the ambulance at all. No ER to rush to...we waited out in the hall for hours. For the first X-Ray the doctor wanted Yong Ae to walk to the table...she could barely move. We, her friends, had to transfer her from gerny to X-Ray table then back to gerny then to the CT scan table, then to gerny, then to the MRI table, etc. None of the hospital staff knew how to safely transfer her while keeping her stable. I thank God I could be there to help and to instruct people in the safe way to move her. Yung Ae had to endure all of this - all of the testing and the moving and the waiting - for 8 hours before she was given pain meds. Can you imagine?!

We took Tina to her home in the village to be with her mother. She was able to sleep this afternoon for a couple of hours but is still in a great deal of pain. I visited her tonight and she shows no acute signs of a major concussion. Yung Ae is in the hospital and is more coherent now. She knows who everyone is, where she is, etc. She is experiencing tremendous pain and was only able to sleep 30 minutes this afternoon. Despite all of this trauma, she still thanks God that it was her who was hurt so badly and not any of the others. She is an incredible woman! The driver has been home resting. He got to the hospital this morning after we did and rushed up to Yong Ae with a look of sorrow and remorse. His eyes filled with tears (Chinese men do not show emotion like this) and he put his hand over his heart shaking his head. The look in his eyes broke my heart as I could see the weight of this whole incident resting on his shoulders. Please, please pray for him. The shame that the Chinese carry for something like this can be extremely severe. He has been on my heart all day. Our crew will be making a point to befriend him and to show him that we care and we don't hold him responsible. Please pray for his heart and mind. Please.

I tell you my friends, I am know that God protected each of them in this horrible accident and that he brought us on the road at the perfect time. I am sure of it! If you could have seen the car you would know it is a miracle that everyone lived. And we came upon the scene a mere 2 minutes after it happened! Had we not stopped to get corn, we wouldn't have been there to help. That may not seem like that big of a deal, but people in China don't stop to help when there is an accident or any type of injury for fear of somehow being held responsible. With us there, we were able to get the ambulance called, stop people from moving Yong Ae (and now knowing she had a spinal fracture - even better), and comfort our friends who were hurting and afraid. The song that I sang to Yong Ae as she lay in the taxi waiting for the ambulance continues to come into my head throughout the day (David, Yong Ae's husband, said he was singing it as he was driving to Hunchun from Yanji to come to the hospital)..."Jesus, we love you. We worship and adore you. Glorify thy name in all the earth. Glorify thy name. Glorify thy name. Glorify thy name in all the earth." Ohh, yes...he was there.

Dad

It's been two years since dad died. That day is still so vivid. I spent the last couple of nights out at our ranch here in China in order to have some quiet and stillness. I sat under a big tree with a nice breeze blowing and wrote the following sweet memories of dad (both when I was a little girl and a young adult) -

* him tickling me until I couldn't breathe * him thumping the nose of my teddy bear, Herman, every night when tucking me into bed * closing the "wall bed" with me in it and him walking away like he might forget * him letting me ride in the trunk of the car if we were going a short distance * teaching me how to drive out at the Holyoke airport. I had to sit on a pillow so that I could see! :) I think even with the pillow, I had to look under the top of the steering wheel, ha! He let me practice at the cemetery when I got good with turning * going out with him on the motorcycle. I remember we were coming back home and turning into the driveway in the alley and somehow we fell over – on the motorcycle. We weren’t going fast so we didn’t get hurt. At first it scared me, but then I couldn’t stop laughing * playing softball (catch) in the backyard * pulling over during our trips to the mountains so that we could go stomping in the river * going to visit dad when he was working at the hospital – if he were down in the basement where the cardiac rehab room was, we’d always go back upstairs passing by the morgue room. It never failed that just as we got to that room, dad would scare me and I’d run up the stairs as fast as I could, my heart pounding and him chasing after me laughing * flying in his airplane with me in the very back (the little jump seat, I think) giggling constantly because of the turbulence * him saying “oh honey” every time he saw a nice motorcycle * various people frequently bringing fresh fish and/or vegetables to our house in the summer. I never knew why but later discovered that it often was a form of payment dad was accepting for doctor visits that that person couldn't afford. Of course, dad didn't make that known to us...it wasn't his style to build himself up * him hugging me for an extended period of time while standing in the kitchen in the Swink house. For a long time he didn’t say anything. I felt his body shake slightly in his attempt to hold back tears. Then he said “your mother and I are so proud of you. You’ve become a fine young woman.” I went to Thailand less than a week later - that trip to Swink was the last time I saw him. * Us sitting in Chili’s at Lincoln and I-25 (mom was with us) and I had an overwhelming feeling to tell him how much he meant to me. I had written little things in cards here and there but never looked him in the eyes and said much beyond “I love you” and “thank you.” That afternoon I looked him in the eye and watched this strong dad of mine cry as I told him: how much I loved him, how grateful I was that he took on us 3 kids when he married mom. He could have easily said he didn’t want to raise another 3 children at that point in his life – he already had two grown children of his own. But, that didn’t bother dad a bit. In his mind, it didn’t matter that marrying mom was a package deal. Not only did he take us into his home, but he treated and loved us as his own. Calling him my step-dad didn’t work for me. I didn’t want that separation. He was dad – I just happened to have two :) I told him that he had been an incredible role model for me as to how a man should treat a woman: the way he loved mom, the way he cared for her, the way they resolved conflict, the way he supported her dreams and efforts. I finally told him that so much of the good parts of me were because of his role in my life and the things that he and mom had taught me. I knew he supported my dreams and aspirations and he would do anything to help if he could or if he was needed. I’ll never forget us crying together that day – in the middle of Chili’s. * Talking with dad while he was in the hospital after his back surgery: for the first time, I talked to him about a possible male relationship and wanted to know his opinion on this guy. Never had I done that. It was actually a sign to me that I had entered a healthy stage in the world of romantic relationships. I had realized, there in the hospital, that my desire of dad’s input regarding the man I wanted to date or was dating was a sign that I wasn’t trying to hide anything – which meant that it was more unlikely that I was “settling” for a guy that wasn’t right for me. I decided that this was going to become my litmus test – if I didn’t want dad to know about a guy I was interested in or if I didn’t want dad to meet him, I was in a wrong relationship. Seems obvious, but at the time this was a new page I had turned :) Since I was struggling to trust myself with relationships, it was a huge relief knowing I had dad to weigh in on it and tell me like it was. It made me feel safe. * I spent mom and dad’s anniversary with them in Salida, CO – their favorite place – in June ’08. The first day there, dad and I went out just the two of us. We ate lunch out on a patio by the river and talked about life. Then we went to a small winery and took a little tour, tasted some wine and picked our favorites to buy. I realized on this day that dad and I had shifted our relationship from strictly father-daughter (more disciplinary) to a friendship. I remember my heart smiling and thinking “mmm. I like this.” I made dinner that night for the 3 of us and he loved it…salmon on a bed of raw spinach and blacked beans topped with a Caribbean jerk seasoning and pineapple salsa. The next day, the three of us and Sparky (the dog) went into town and watched the parade and then the rafting and kayak competitions. We were all so happy and content in our quiet, little, comfortable-feeling mountain town. That night at dinner I wanted dad’s opinion on a topic that was and is really important to me: did he know any couples that were truly happy, content and fulfilled without ever having children? As with everything, I knew he would give it to me straight. Again, this was a milestone in our relationship. I was seeking dad’s opinion and wisdom – not resisting it.

I am so thankful for the memories I have and for the path that my relationship with dad was on that last year. These things will forever be in my heart.

hippos, horses, and wee ones

There is never a day that I’m “not in the mood” to see the children at Special School. I have no idea what it is like to be a parent, but my heart always lights up when I see one of the students; it warms when one of them hugs me or grabs onto my hand; I get a sense of joy when I hear “laoshi hao”/ “hello teacher”; I have a sense of pride when they accomplish something – great or small; I hurt when I can’t fix something for them or keep the bad from coming their way; I shed tears at times out of love, joy and/or pain. What I share with my students is so special to me and I’m so incredibly thankful for it.

I’ve had the joy of witnessing some short-term volunteers interact with the children and the joy and love that is exchanged. I watched the students jump and scream, smile and laugh and hug as 3 American guys handed over a gift of 2 new soccer balls to them. It was awesome! And they were SO excited that these foreigners would take the time to play a game with them. I smile now as I relive it all. The kids only stop playing with those soccer balls when it’s required for sleeping, eating or class time :)

There have also been a few tears of joy shed during hippotherapy this season. In addition to my pro-riders that have been coming each season for the past couple of years, we’ve had some new children joining in. One is a little 5 year-old boy (pictured above) who cannot speak and was slow to follow directions during therapy. When he first started hippotherapy, he rode with a slightly-slumped posture and didn’t follow directions or respond much to anything. With his father accompanying him, he has come 3 days/week for 4 weeks and has been making little bits of progress each week. On Wednesday, I held out a ring and within seconds he grabbed it! He was even able to put it up on the pole! He’s making noise now when he rides and smiling ear to ear! How awesome that his father gets to experience this with him. There is a 3 year-old girl who was so scared around the horses when she first came and she would just cry and cry as her mother held her. Now, she is up on the horse riding with one of the teachers. She smiles, speaks a little and even grabs onto the ring! Another little girl, 4 years old with Down Syndrome (in picture), just rode today by herself for the first time! She is so alert when she rides, can follow most directions, and today she could not stop smiling and waving at me! :) They are all so incredibly precious and I am so thrilled that they get to experience such a thing as hippotherapy here in China. I’ve watched them gain physical strength, coordination, balance, flexibility, etc. But moreover I’ve seen them benefit from interacting with the horses and the volunteers. They get to accomplish something so grand – riding a horse – and their disability isn’t holding them back. Finally, they get to be “normal.” They get to move freely through space because their horse is helping them. No more limping, no more slow pace, no more crouched posture, no more head being held low, no more crutches/canes/walkers…no…here they get to sit higher than anyone else and hold their heads high. And sometimes, they even get to make their horse “run”…something that makes each child squeal with pure, untainted joy.

Good Things are Happening

I truly cannot believe it's already May 12th!! Where oh where has time gone?!

Things have been moving right along here in Hunchun since my last post. I must say that being here the second time around has brought a new sense of "home." All of the glamour is gone but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's like wearing an old pair of jeans - they seem to fit just right. But don't get me wrong, nothing is at the point of being mundane or slow.

I worked with the stroke-affected adults for a couple of months to place their feet on better ground by demonstrating appropriate exercises and techniques. Because each individual had suffered the stroke one year or more prior, there was only so much I could do to help. Before I stopped going 4x/week, they assured me they felt confident with what I had shown them. I still visit them from time to time to check in. They each became dear to me and continue to hold a special place in my heart. Many mornings I see them walking on the street and it makes me smile every time. It's nice to be walking through town, see an old friend, and have the ability to chat with them a bit in Chinese.

At Special School, most things are much easier and more enjoyable now that the snow and ice are gone. It's great to see the children out playing and enjoying themselves. This coming Sunday is Disabled Day in China which means Sports Day will be this Friday at Special School. It's set up similar to Special Olympics and everyone, from the students and parents to the teachers and volunteers, loves Sports Day! Various types of competitions are held (even a tug-of-war between the volunteers and the teachers). It should be a great day! In addition to that excitement, hippotherapy starts up again on May 24th and the children are elated! They've been asking about riding horses since I returned in January :) Much goes into the program and I hope to get all of the details worked out in time.




Two brief news clips: 1st - The pediatric wheelchair I ordered for Song Ju came in from Beijing! Just as a reminder, he has muscular dystrophy and can no longer walk. The Province I live in (which is comparable to a US state) didn't have any small wheelchairs so we had to purchase an adult chair for temporary purposes. It made me cringe a little seeing him in it, but it was necessary for him to have a chair. I included both pictures so that you could see the difference in his posture. He was so excited when he saw it and his mother was incredibly grateful. He really seems to be happy and is even enjoying coming to therapy! :) 2nd - A mother in the community heard about the therapy at Special School so she brought her 6 year old son, Li Jia Cheng, in to see me. It was immediately apparent that his Achilles tendon was too short and needed to be surgically lengthened. What a blessing to find out soon after meeting Jia Cheng that the orthopedic surgeon from South Korea was making his yearly visit to Yanji one month later. This surgeon's work is excellent, his heart is worn on his sleeve, and he does his procedures at 1/2 price when he comes to China. Jia Cheng's family is very poor but, with the assistance of a Stateside couple whom I met last year when they visited Hunchun, we were able to pay for Jia Cheng's surgery and hospital stay. The surgery went extremely well and, with a cast on, he was walking 3 days later! I recently visited him and his mother and younger brother in their home. I was so happy to see Jia Cheng smiling ear to ear and walking about! You see, great things are happening!

Thank you so much for your continued support, love and interest! I truly feel blessed to be here and to be living this part of my dream! I'm happily living in the moment!

~keira

Not Spring Yet

It’s a snowy day in Hunchun. I walked to Chinese class this morning at 6:30 like a little child on her way to build sand castles on the beach – I had a little spring in my step. I am definitely ready for spring as things have been covered in snow and ice since my arrival however, this snow storm seems most enjoyable for some reason!

I have a little piece of news to start the update: Remember Song Ju - the little boy with muscular dystrophy whose mother left last fall? Well, she came back and took Song Ju out of the orphanage. I’m happy to say that he continues to attend Special School and I see him smiling when he is with the other students. I just hope his little heart is okay.

There is a new addition to my schedule this year, one that was unexpected but most welcome. The uncle of my Chinese friend, Tina, suffered a stroke three years ago. Once he discovered that I was a physical therapist he asked that I come over for a visit and observe his mobility and his daily exercise routine (the Chinese receive no education from the doctor regarding their stroke). I jumped at the opportunity – working with individuals who had suffered a stroke was one of my favorite aspects of my job back in Colorado. That visit to his apartment turned into me meeting with other adults in the community who are in the same predicament. I join them every Tuesday and Thursday morning and afternoon. The first morning I was headed to the “stroke center” (that’s what I’m calling our exercise room) I was called in to speak with the government officials first. It turns out they just wanted to see who the foreigner was, what my training was, thank me for my help, and remind me that I can never speak about my spiritual beliefs. Point taken.

I am so thrilled to be working with these people. Right now there are about 20 people gathering together. They are so excited and grateful and my heart is so full and joyful when I’m with them. Incredible – now I get to spend time with the children and the older adult population!

My language learning is coming along. People tell me I am learning quickly but there are times I am discouraged and feel as though I can’t communicate anything meaningful. It comes back to that desire of mine to gel with people on a deeper level. I’m independent but very relational too. I want to truly connect with the children at Special School, the adults at the stroke center, and friends I’ve met along the way. I know – it will come :) Tuesdays and Thursdays are hoppin’ – I leave my apartment at 6:30a and arrive home at 7:30p. It’s a full day of communicating in Chinese without the company of another foreigner, an English-speaking local, or the assistance of a translator (except at the stroke center – I have a translator). I get home and my brain is on overload. I’ve started attempting to translate things into Chinese in my dreams or when rolling over in bed. Ahh!!

Hope you all are well!

a look within

I know many of you heard me say it while I was in the States, but coming home is/was wonderful and difficult all at the same time. It seems as though every time I go through transition I end up analyzing my entire life. That may or may not be a natural response. Regardless, transition has occurred so often in my life the past 3 years and it can be tiring. BUT, I have the most incredible people in my life. I have said that so many times before and I’ll continue to say it until the day I die. :) The connections I share and the love that I have is profound and immeasurable. I cannot tell you how many times it has been a strength to me. (It was today as I read through some of the notes of encouragement people have written to me over the past two years.)

I think we all go through the up and down motion between confidence and self-doubt, clarity and confusion, optimism and pessimism regarding all aspects of our lives. For some, the extreme from point to point is greater than for others. I don’t exactly know where I fit on that scale comparatively but I do know this – I tend to feel things pretty deeply so my highs are high and my lows are low.

During my time back “home” this winter I experienced the highs and the lows. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with everyone and each interaction was unique in its own way. However, there was an internal struggle going on. There were times I was fully aware of this struggle and times I was completely oblivious. Now, spending time in reflection, I realize I lost sight of the strength and confidence that has so often fueled my journey. This affected the areas of friendship, love, faith, and my decision to return overseas to an “abnormal” life. Thankfully, now that my feet are planted in one spot again, clarity is reclaiming its place:

In the realm of friendship – despite my physical absence, the true and meaningful relationships I have will continue to exist. Although changes will occur in each person’s life, including mine, and the gap may widen from time to time, the foundation that is there will remain firm. My history has proven that time does not destroy friendship nor family.

In the realm of love – although it is a longing unfulfilled it is one that does not cripple me. Strength has been restored.

In the realm of faith – although I am embarking on a personal “faith journey” that is extremely deep and at times dark and lonely, I have confidence that it is vital and true. It is a journey that will not end overnight and it will take a great deal of focus and energy to complete, but I am determined.

In the realm of my decision to return overseas – I believe in most situations there is often something lost for something gained. That loss can be positive, negative or neutral. Coming home I somehow forgot, for a time, what was gained by living this different life and unfortunately looked too closely at what was lost. I had begun to question where I was at and why. It was part of the affect of the transition. But about one month into being home I started down a path that was beneficial for my sanity and for regaining the strength and confidence I had lost: I read my old journal entries. There on those pages I had poured out my soul, my dreams, and my ambitions. I saw that my course changed from time to time but the underlying goal and drive remained constant; I also talked to a couple of dear friends and family members to get their take on me – what I was made up of, what I had talked about in the past regarding my dreams and desires, some instances that fueled those dreams, etc. Those two things (the reading and the discussions) served as strong reminders of how I came to be where I am today. This alternative lifestyle is not a fluke nor is it an attempt to run away from anything. I didn’t grow up wanting to be a physical therapist but grew up wanting to help those who are affected by a terminal illness or a disability (generally speaking – those who are hurting and/or forgotten). PT became the vehicle to accomplish this. I suppose I say that because, to me, if I don’t practice as a physical therapist for the rest of my life I won’t be devastated or feel like I wasted my education or career. Although I love PT, as long as I follow what is deep within me I believe I’ll be in the right place. And, as my conversations with friends and family revealed, I’ve always craved something a little less ordinary.

I realize that, on some levels, I am being rather personal here. I recently told a friend that I think sometimes my transparency is a down-fall of mine. But, it so often feels extremely natural for me. I don’t know what it is or what compels me to be like that. I suppose right now it is allowing me to embrace the personal growth that is occurring and to take that step of acceptance into my current reality. You each are supporting me in this endeavor of mine in your own way and bringing you along with me, on a more personal level, is just something I want to do. It’s a way for me to feel connected to you. One thing I know about myself, without a doubt, I want to feel connected to people on a level that is genuine and meaningful.

Back to Hunchun

Although, naturally, there is a little sadness regarding what I have left behind, it's good to be back in China. I've been back a week now and have settled in to the familiar things of this place - the markets filled with all sorts of raw meats and fish (dead and alive); the constant honking of the taxis; the confusion of the locals as to whether I'm Russian or American; the endless opportunities to consume rice; the walking to get most places or my little #8 bus; the ever-surprising rate at which Chinese flows from the mouths of the locals. However, there are some new things that are present that weren't around late October - the thick layer of ice on the sidewalks and side roads when I first arrived (entertaining watching the women walking on the ice in their high heels...yes, they love heels that much here); frozen fish being sold on carts outside everywhere because it's that cold...they don't defrost in the sun (we're talking the whole fish. not in cute little filet form); the lack of hot water for a shower. i think it's closer to lukewarm (hot showers are overrated, right?); oh yes...the biggie...the frigid temperatures mixed with the ever-popular Hunchun wind. Today was -3 with a windchill of -24 (yes, i'm talking fahrenheit). Whoa buddy!!! I walked to Special School which took about 30 minutes and I couldn't feel my face when I got there. Actually, I'm pretty sure I couldn't talk normal and a little drool may have escaped my mouth without me realizing it, ha! Good thing I'm not trying to score any dates here :)

Okay, okay...on a more serious note. The month of February will likely be a bit slow for me. The children aren't at school because of the cold and we don't have teams visiting this time of year. I'll dive back into the language studies, do some office work at the school, shovel horse poop and snow at the ranch, read some books, and celebrate the Chinese New Year (Feb 14th with a huge fireworks show on the 28th - yippee!!! I absolutely love fireworks!!)

That's all for now folks! Take care and stay in touch
~k