a look within

I know many of you heard me say it while I was in the States, but coming home is/was wonderful and difficult all at the same time. It seems as though every time I go through transition I end up analyzing my entire life. That may or may not be a natural response. Regardless, transition has occurred so often in my life the past 3 years and it can be tiring. BUT, I have the most incredible people in my life. I have said that so many times before and I’ll continue to say it until the day I die. :) The connections I share and the love that I have is profound and immeasurable. I cannot tell you how many times it has been a strength to me. (It was today as I read through some of the notes of encouragement people have written to me over the past two years.)

I think we all go through the up and down motion between confidence and self-doubt, clarity and confusion, optimism and pessimism regarding all aspects of our lives. For some, the extreme from point to point is greater than for others. I don’t exactly know where I fit on that scale comparatively but I do know this – I tend to feel things pretty deeply so my highs are high and my lows are low.

During my time back “home” this winter I experienced the highs and the lows. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with everyone and each interaction was unique in its own way. However, there was an internal struggle going on. There were times I was fully aware of this struggle and times I was completely oblivious. Now, spending time in reflection, I realize I lost sight of the strength and confidence that has so often fueled my journey. This affected the areas of friendship, love, faith, and my decision to return overseas to an “abnormal” life. Thankfully, now that my feet are planted in one spot again, clarity is reclaiming its place:

In the realm of friendship – despite my physical absence, the true and meaningful relationships I have will continue to exist. Although changes will occur in each person’s life, including mine, and the gap may widen from time to time, the foundation that is there will remain firm. My history has proven that time does not destroy friendship nor family.

In the realm of love – although it is a longing unfulfilled it is one that does not cripple me. Strength has been restored.

In the realm of faith – although I am embarking on a personal “faith journey” that is extremely deep and at times dark and lonely, I have confidence that it is vital and true. It is a journey that will not end overnight and it will take a great deal of focus and energy to complete, but I am determined.

In the realm of my decision to return overseas – I believe in most situations there is often something lost for something gained. That loss can be positive, negative or neutral. Coming home I somehow forgot, for a time, what was gained by living this different life and unfortunately looked too closely at what was lost. I had begun to question where I was at and why. It was part of the affect of the transition. But about one month into being home I started down a path that was beneficial for my sanity and for regaining the strength and confidence I had lost: I read my old journal entries. There on those pages I had poured out my soul, my dreams, and my ambitions. I saw that my course changed from time to time but the underlying goal and drive remained constant; I also talked to a couple of dear friends and family members to get their take on me – what I was made up of, what I had talked about in the past regarding my dreams and desires, some instances that fueled those dreams, etc. Those two things (the reading and the discussions) served as strong reminders of how I came to be where I am today. This alternative lifestyle is not a fluke nor is it an attempt to run away from anything. I didn’t grow up wanting to be a physical therapist but grew up wanting to help those who are affected by a terminal illness or a disability (generally speaking – those who are hurting and/or forgotten). PT became the vehicle to accomplish this. I suppose I say that because, to me, if I don’t practice as a physical therapist for the rest of my life I won’t be devastated or feel like I wasted my education or career. Although I love PT, as long as I follow what is deep within me I believe I’ll be in the right place. And, as my conversations with friends and family revealed, I’ve always craved something a little less ordinary.

I realize that, on some levels, I am being rather personal here. I recently told a friend that I think sometimes my transparency is a down-fall of mine. But, it so often feels extremely natural for me. I don’t know what it is or what compels me to be like that. I suppose right now it is allowing me to embrace the personal growth that is occurring and to take that step of acceptance into my current reality. You each are supporting me in this endeavor of mine in your own way and bringing you along with me, on a more personal level, is just something I want to do. It’s a way for me to feel connected to you. One thing I know about myself, without a doubt, I want to feel connected to people on a level that is genuine and meaningful.

Back to Hunchun

Although, naturally, there is a little sadness regarding what I have left behind, it's good to be back in China. I've been back a week now and have settled in to the familiar things of this place - the markets filled with all sorts of raw meats and fish (dead and alive); the constant honking of the taxis; the confusion of the locals as to whether I'm Russian or American; the endless opportunities to consume rice; the walking to get most places or my little #8 bus; the ever-surprising rate at which Chinese flows from the mouths of the locals. However, there are some new things that are present that weren't around late October - the thick layer of ice on the sidewalks and side roads when I first arrived (entertaining watching the women walking on the ice in their high heels...yes, they love heels that much here); frozen fish being sold on carts outside everywhere because it's that cold...they don't defrost in the sun (we're talking the whole fish. not in cute little filet form); the lack of hot water for a shower. i think it's closer to lukewarm (hot showers are overrated, right?); oh yes...the biggie...the frigid temperatures mixed with the ever-popular Hunchun wind. Today was -3 with a windchill of -24 (yes, i'm talking fahrenheit). Whoa buddy!!! I walked to Special School which took about 30 minutes and I couldn't feel my face when I got there. Actually, I'm pretty sure I couldn't talk normal and a little drool may have escaped my mouth without me realizing it, ha! Good thing I'm not trying to score any dates here :)

Okay, okay...on a more serious note. The month of February will likely be a bit slow for me. The children aren't at school because of the cold and we don't have teams visiting this time of year. I'll dive back into the language studies, do some office work at the school, shovel horse poop and snow at the ranch, read some books, and celebrate the Chinese New Year (Feb 14th with a huge fireworks show on the 28th - yippee!!! I absolutely love fireworks!!)

That's all for now folks! Take care and stay in touch
~k

Update on Sung Ju

We have a wonderful family here from Indiana who are long-termers - The Howes. They are here in hopes of building an orphanage but have been patiently waiting for funds to come in. They have 4 children here ages 18 months - 13 years whom they home school. I'm just trying to show you that they aren't exactly sitting around :) Well, the Howes heard about Sung Ju and wanted to help immediately. After getting permission from his dad, Sung Ju now goes to the Howe household from 2:30-6:30 Monday through Friday. Instead of sitting alone all day at home, he now gets to interact with other kids and gets fed and cleaned up. This also gives me an opportunity to go in three days a week to do PT with him. Can we say "answer to pr*yer?!!" Sung Ju's dad has really been trying: he comes home from work everyday for lunch to eat with his son and make sure he's cleaned up. Then, when the Howes take him back home in the evening, dad is there waiting. You can tell he really loves his son and wants to do the best thing for him. This schedule can't be easy for him as the locals here work ALL day long, as long as there is sunlight (4:30a-6p).

I want to remind you that his father didn't really know about Sung Ju's disability (Sung Ju was riding a bike and running just 3 years ago). Now, here he is making a huge effort!! It's beautiful. He still is taking time to think about what's best for Sung Ju and his living situation. If he sends his son to the orphanage he would be well cared for, but dad would lose ALL of his parental rights. That's a huge deal. A new thing thrown into the situation - Janet just discovered that if Sung Ju has a helper at school then he can return to Special School!! That would take care of the hours 8a-4p 5 days a week. We'd also need the helper on all school breaks too. There is hope with this option but there would still be time to cover. You get the idea.

Thank you for pr*ying about this. Please, let's keep it up!

A matter of the heart

I previously shared about a young boy, Sung Ju, who has Muscular Dystrophy and came to Special School last semester. Janet and I went to visit him about 3 weeks ago and unfortunately discovered that he had declined physically over the summer break and could no longer stand or take any steps. This broke my heart. I had encouraged the mother to do a couple of exercises with Sung Ju but she stated during the visit that she didn't have time. Without the ability to walk or toilet himself, Sung Ju was unable to return to Special School. Janet went to take ice cream to him last Wednesday and found him alone in his home. He said that his mom had been gone for a few days. Janet had to leave so she called me and I went and sat with him for a couple of hours. An additional complication to this whole matter is the fact that Janet and I are foreigners. It is not wise to get involved in domestic issues but we couldn't turn our backs either. The abbreviated version is this: his parents are divorced and Sung Ju has been living with his mom and 16 year old sister. His mom just up and left for South Korea (to live) sometime last week, took her daughter with her and left Sung Ju behind. Janet met with Sung Ju's dad the day after we found Sung Ju alone. He said that he works construction 13 hours a day, sometimes more and cannot give the proper care to Sung Ju. He knew very little about his disability. Sooo, yesterday Janet met with the headmaster at Dail Orphanage here in Hunchun along with Sung Ju’s dad and uncle. The Orphanage, run by a young South Korean couple, has never taken in a disabled child – he would be their first. They said that the dad would have to sign a waiver that frees him of all parental rights. Dail also said they would have to talk to the local government and to the head Dail office in South Korea to get permission. If both parties say “yes” then Dail wants to take Sung Ju in and try. This is a huge responsibility as Sung Ju cannot walk anymore and would need total help when going to the bathroom. The other thing that weighs heavily on my mind is the fact that Sung Ju will only continue to get worse physically. He will eventually reach the point where he is totally dependent for all tasks…it’s only a matter of time. Sung Ju's dad has not yet made a decision. We should know within a week. There is so much I want to do but can't. I’m realizing that all I can truly do is pr*y that G*d would hold this little boy in his arms and would love and comfort him. This situation is heart-breaking. In the midst of it I thank G*d that a place like Dail Orphanage exists in this town! The people there are amazing and I know that Sung Ju would be loved and well taken care of. Please keep him and his family in your thoughts and pr*y that this is resolved quickly.

Hay is for Horses

A trip to Inner Mongolia: There were 6 of us who went – myself, Jessie, ZaiBin, Ruth, and Gary and Mike from the Montana Team. The purpose of this trip was to buy hay for our five horses. It started out with a 6 hour bus ride to ChangChun – nothing special about this ride. Then we boarded a bus to ChangLing, 2.5 hours away. This bus was a bit older and Ruth and I were put in the front two seats. The unfortunate thing about this was that there were about 8 people too many in the front of the bus. We’re talking on the floor leaning against my legs, in the aisle and in the stair well. The guy in the front who acted as an assistant to the driver, who takes the money and lets people off and on, was a bit flirtatious and kept feeding us fruit talking in paragraph-long sentences in Chinese – non of which I understood. That didn’t seem to discourage him. The driver was horn happy while going down the road but that’s to be expected as this is the norm here. However, the horn was much louder when sitting in the front of the bus and I’m pretty sure this one could be compared to a cruse ship’s horn! Not only was the driver able to manage driving, eating fruit, smoking cigarettes and talking he also busted out his electric shaver while going down the road. Impressive. At one point, a pheasant flew up and hit the windshield with a loud thud. Not to worry, the driver immediately pulled to the side of the road, the assistant jumped out and retrieved the dead pheasant and brought in into the bus…wouldn’t want to pass up a dinner opportunity :)

After the 2nd bus we had an hour taxi ride which brought us to our final destination – a small, sleepy village in Inner Mongolia. The guys in our group had established relationships with the owners of a small hotel in town in previous years. We stayed there this year and had great fellowship with the locals. By hotel in this case, I mean there are 4 rooms above their home/cafe with a hole for a toilet outside behind the building. Ruth and I found out that we were the first white women to ever come to this town – kinda crazy to think about. That night after dinner there were several children around whom I started playing with. I was able to practice the Chinese I know and charades made up for the rest. We took turns singing songs and they overloaded me with pictures they had drawn with the word “love” written in English. It was precious. They kept feeding me fruit and would stand there patiently waiting as I ate and then would hold their hand out in order for me to spit the seed into their hand. :) They were so cute! The 13 year old daughter of the hotel owner, Wang Wen Zhuo, asked me to sleep in her room that night. Of course I accepted and we spent some time working through my broken Chinese and figuring out she is just like any other 13 year old girl – she likes boys…a lot :) After looking at the night sky filled with stars and thinking the big dipper was close enough to drink out of, we said goodnight to each other and to the little mouse that had set up camp in her room.

The next morning we walked to a small building and had service with some of the local people. I was escorted by 4 little girls all holding my hand or leg. Later that day we visited a local Korean War veteran and his wife whom Jessie had built a friendship with two years prior. They were so precious and welcoming!! Their little mud home quickly reminded me how little we can truly live with. This 86 year old man, Xu Yuan Chun, had the biggest smile I’ve ever seen and his wife, Song Hui Lan, was so beautiful and warm-hearted. The wild thing about this story – the last American Yuan Chun had seen before Jessie was a soldier in the Korean War who had shot him in the leg. Then one day while sitting along the road in his humble little village in the middle of nowhere, at the age of 84, he met a blue-eyed, white-haired, smiling American who wanted to be his friend. It was really touching to meet them and to spend time with them. They told me I need to come back next year with my husband, ha ha!

That night we stayed out in an area with a cluster of yurts (Mongolian-style teepees). When we first arrived we came upon a big bonfire with people doing various dances around the fire…some were traditional dances and some were simply attempts of resembling dancing, ha! Being white we couldn’t exactly hide and were soon pulled into the commotion. It was pretty entertaining. It soon died down and we were left in the stillness of the night to enjoy the coolness and the stars that stretched down to the horizon. It looked as though we were in a dome made of stars – incredible. I slept like a baby that night. In the morning I headed over to the bamboo “outhouse.” It’s a basic, shallow squattie toilet with a bamboo wall blocking any view of you to outsiders. As I was getting ready to, well – you know, I suddenly noticed a live chicken pecking around underneath!! Whoa!!! Beside the obvious shock and concern I had a “note to self” moment…don’t eat the chicken here! Ha Ha!!

We made it back to Hunchun safely after 13 hours of traveling by bus and taxi. The next morning we unloaded our 10 tons of hay bales and I must say – that is NOT an easy task! Whew! Hope those horses are happy :)

Trip to Beijing

Wow, talk about a "Western" city in an "Eastern" land. Beijing is a boombing city with all the luxuries an expat could want...ice cream, cheese, real coffee, Western dishes, newspapers in English. Amazing. I stayed very near to the well-known Forbidden City which resulted in lovely streets shaded by glorious trees. It had more of a warm fuzzy feeling than I had expected (the warm fuzzies leave when you reach the less traditional parts of the city). I stayed in a hostel down a hutong (older, Chinese alleys) which was nice and quiet and quaint. Tucked away in these hutongs are the local people carrying on their slower-paced, daily activies. It made me feel more at home in a city that holds more than 17.4 million people.

I woke up early my first day and left the hostel at 6:15 to head to the Great Wall. I decided to be a bit adventurous and chose to complete a 6 mile hike on the Wall from Jinshanling to Simatai. Whoa...let's just say that there are some parts where the stairs are so steep you have to turn sideways to go up or down. It was pretty intense in places and tiring but well worth it. This area was 3 hours from the city by bus which meant far fewer tourists and less renovations...just the way I like it :) Another payoff - I got to take a zip line across the river to a boat that then took me to the parking lot!

The next two days I met up with my former boss, Leslie, and her husband who were in town on a tour of China. How bizarre to visit with old friends in another country. We toured around the main sites which all represented Old China. This meant walking, walking and more walking. I was a whimp with my post-Great Wall legs and had us sit a few times to rest that first day, ha! The last night in town we went for Italian food. I cannot tell you how excited I was about this. My taste buds were alive with the flavors of cheese, balsalmic vinegar, CREAM sauce, salmon, arugala, fettucini, bread with pesto, cheesecake with strawberry drizzle and real ice cream!!!!!!!! Talk about positive overload!! It had been 4 1/2 months since my taste buds had experienced such joy. I literally had perma-grin during and after the meal. Heavenly!!!

A little bit of drool just came out of my mouth :) My time in Beijing was wonderful and Leslie and Tom spoiled me rotten. The trip ended with a 25 hour train ride and 1 hour taxi ride - it's nice to be home.

Providence

I still cannot access my blog from China so we may have to give up on that one. Just wanted to send a note before I head off to rest. I went to the doctor today in Yanji (a bigger city about 90 minutes away) due to some pain and fever/chills. He confirmed that my "appendix is sick" but not bad enough to remove it. Praise G*d!! Can't say I'm exactly thrilled about the idea of surgery in China (it's still a possibility if the pain worsens so please pr*y). I'm on antibiotics now and need to "rest" - that's a difficult concept for me. You know me - I'll still be plenty busy but I'm trying to make myself cut out extracurricular activities. This too is difficult being that we have two teams in town and Mama and Papa (the leaders) are gone. :o)

Some fabulous news...last Thursday I took 4 children from Special School and their mothers to the hospital in Yanjito see an orthopedic surgeon from South Korea who was in town for 3 days. First let me say this day was quite emotional for me. We rarely see the parents of these children because some live at the school and the others ride a bus to and from school. It was so touching to see these mothers who love their children SO very much caring for them, helping them on and off the bus, dressing them up in their nicest clothes, having pride for their children who have a disability and are so often shunned by the public. Ah, my heart was in my throat. The doctor recommended that two of the children have surgery - Lang Qiang and Jun Qiang (sounds like Long Chiong and Jun Chiong). Jun Qiang's mother agreed right away and they stayed behind. However, Lang Qiang's mother got on the bus with her son to return to Hunchun as she could not afford the surgery. My heart broke and of course I cried - I was actually able to hold it in until I could sneak off to be alone. The entire way home I couldn't stop thinking about how this little boy could be helped if only the finances were available. A long story short - I told Mama the situation and a couple from a visiting team said they wanted to pay for the surgery and the mother finally accepted!!! So, Lang Qiang and Jun Qiang have undergone surgery on their legs in hopes to have the ability to walk better. G*d is SO, SO good!! I visited them today when I was at the hospital and their faces lit up! It was so special to see them again. :o)

The children at Special School go on summer holiday July 10th - September 1st. It will be strange not seeing them. This will open up my schedule a little bit but I'll still be working in the office, organizing teams, doing labor at the ranch AND I finally will have time to take Chinese class. Yay!

I miss you all and hope you are well!
~Keira